Thursday, December 29, 2011


Sometimes my thoughts really are like a broken record, the same messed up line playing over and over again in my head. Lifting the needle off of the record and putting on a new song is always so much easier said than done. Maybe in time I'll figure out how to either shut it off or tune out the relentless beat.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


So it's been 50 years since I updated, I know. I was visiting home and didn't have consistent internet access. I'm still visiting family, so I probably won't update much, but I have been thinking about some things. Consistency among the most important. Setting realistic goals and organizing my space and time in a way that supports productivity is certainly a new focus. My goal is to be consistently productive, consistent with self-care, and consistently reflective of my goals, accomplishments, and set setbacks. My hope is that in being more consistent in my efforts to be better, I'll make the changes I've been intending to make.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Finding my voice

Sometimes I get lost on the way to my voice.  I see it from a short distance off, but as I approach, what was once a battle cry turns to a whisper and I am left standing, perplexed, unsure how to proceed.  I arrive at myself, back from a long journey meant to unveil me to I and I search.  I remember the brilliant mind I thought my own, and I close my eyes, ready to speak, ready to release, set myself free.  Then I awake from the fantasy, just in time to realize that the world has shifted, my voice is now elsewhere.  My opportunity to embrace it, to share it, to encourage it, to be unafraid has passed on from a particular place.  At times when I speak, I'm too careful, too anxious to get my thoughts expressed, too needing of time to think.

I'm looking for my voice, I find it daily, but sometimes not quickly enough (for my tastes).

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Reparations on my soul

Gill Scott Heron had me thinking this evening about being Black in North America.  He raises a good question, who will pay reparations on my soul, on the soul of millions of Black people sold into slavery, on the souls of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Black men and women trapped inside the prison industrial complex, on the souls of children lied to, told they are inferior, undereducated and then confronted by hostile job markets, on the souls of every Black person asked to repeatedly prove racism still exists, even as they wake to face it each day.  Who pays the reparations, which can be no less than a healing peace (from what I can tell).  

Jesus through incomprehensible love?

Ourselves through persistent self-love and self-care?

Others through kindness and compassion?


....and if not a healing peace, what are adequate reparations for one's soul?

Monday, December 5, 2011


Making things...

Making things happen...

Making moves...

Making sure I don't lose sight of the important people in my life...

Loving the life I have to live

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Only Human Afterall

Sometimes I feel the need to be "on" all the time.  I forget a simple truth that I try to remind my friends and family of whenever they are confronting a challenge.  You, I, we are not alone in our struggles.  Someone, somewhere is likely feeling, thinking, doing something similar.  I am not the only procrastinator, you are not the only one to have let someone else down, we are more than our greatest weaknesses.  You, I, we are only human afterall.  

In the spirit of remembering that I don't need to be superwoman to be a loving productive member of my community, even with all my flaws.   

Friday, November 25, 2011


I've been struggling with faith recently.  In the spirit of being honest and true, I've decided to write about it here, because as much as I write to share my thoughts with others, I also write to explore and document my thoughts for myself.  I'll be upfront though and say that its frightening because I'm sure there will be readers, most of whom I know, love, and respect who may be saddened or offended by what I say.

I wonder sometimes if I can be a Christian and not believe in hell.  I'm not sure anything happens after we die.  To the extent that I do believe something happens, it falls into what I call the great mist theory.  In short our essence sort of dissolves and hovers over the earth, sometimes congealing with the essence of others to do good (or evil).  Its maybe a combination of believing that our ancestors look out for us and believing in angels.  In my current afterlife thoughts God allows us to continue existing, but doesn't reward or punish us.

I believe we were created for a purpose (we're each unique for a reason), that God is that creator, that Jesus is God in human form, that we should follow God's lead for our lives, but I don't think I can believe everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell.  My God is a loving God who wants us to love God and others.  Eternal damnation just doesn't fit in the picture for me.

I know it doesn't seem right to pick and choose what you want from the Bible or any religious text, so I read on, I pray, I try to think through what I believe, but its hard.  I end up back at a question that I wrestle with often:

Do you have to believe everyone needs to be redeemed to believe in a redemptive God?

Your thoughts????? (believers and non-believers in Christianity alike)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Because I exist
Because I am free
Because I am the only ever me

Because I bear witness to the life I carried within me
Because countless women and men journeyed before me
Because the world doesn't revolve around (nor end) with me

I live, I take stock of my day,
I quiet the voice that undermines my spirit,
and I never give up the fight for a better world, a better tomorrow, a better me.

Having a plan seems like the first step, knowing that its ok if I mistep seems like the second.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


When asked in high school what my biggest fear is I answered failure.  Above death I was asked and the answer was yes, above everything.

Today the answer would be different for a number of reasons, and I'm unsure of how I would answer.  I know for sure though the answer would not be failure.  

I won't pretend that I've overcome my fear of failure or failure's cousin rejection.  I still struggle.  I struggle with eyes wide open though, that as much as this life isn't all about me, it is about the path I choose to take.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I watched the Unsung episode featuring Minnie Riperton a couple days ago.  It was really good, two of her famous songs are "Lovin' You (is easy because you're beautiful)" and "Back down memory lane" (for those of you who are bad with artist names like me.  She died very young (only 31) and it had me thinking about my own life.

I worry about the future sometimes.  A post that I was working on started with a series of "what ifs", like what if the world does end in 2012, what if the machines do rise up, what if a secret powerful world organization does orchestrate the downfall of Canadian (or American) society?  Too many bad sci-fi movies you say...I'm sure, nevertheless the question remains, what if there is no tomorrow?

Minnie Riperton made amazing music, created songs like Back Down Memory Lane while suffering from Breast Cancer, knowing she only had months to live.  Hearing her story and watching her perform that song brought tears to my eyes.  She wanted to be there for her babies, she wanted to and continued to make music for months while she was sick and in pain.

Yet she's considered unsung.  She came out and spoke about breast cancer when the record label told her to keep it to herself because she thought women shouldn't be silenced about breast cancer.  She found a way to make an indelible mark on the music industry, while also being a loving wife and mother, all in 31 short years.  I know that I knew those two famous songs, but couldn't have remembered her name if I tried before viewing that episode.

There are a number of home videos in the episode with Minnie, Rick, Marc, and Maya Rudolph.  They seemed to live and love so thoroughly as a family.  I can't imagine it was easy, and I hope that by the end of my life, hopefully many many years from now, artifacts of my contributions to my family, my career, the world will remain as evidence of a life well lived.

I think often about motherhood and my career, one might say I even obsesses about it.  How do I find the balance that I crave?  I'm sure there's no easy answer, but living the struggle to do so reminds me how impressed I am by women who are able to do it all, even if the truth is I shouldn't be impressed, but rather demand that women, like men can have it all.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Womanhood = ....Sacrifice?

Aminata is napping and so once again I try to carve out a moment to make a post.  My last attempt was thwarted, but maybe I'll be successful this time.  If I'm lucky maybe I'll get a short nap too after I switch over the laundry.

I read a review of the new Twilight movie that called it an anti-feminist throwback.  The main female character (according to the author at least) is self-sacrificing to a fault, in this movie her health supposedly grows fainter and fainter (almost to the point of death) as she grows a human vampire hybrid baby inside.  I haven't seen any of the previous twilight films, in fact I know little about the books or movies other than conversations that discuss abstinence as it relates to the main female character who doesn't have sex until her wedding night (from what I can tell) at the ripe age of 18.

The author has a problem with the repeated theme of self-sacrifice and devotion this female character shows toward her vampire boyfriend/now husband in particular.  I think that devotion to one's spouse and/or unborn child is not anti-feminist by default, but devotion and self-sacrifice can cross the line easily.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

So Much to Say

I have so much to say and so little time to say it.

I'm considering a career change...maybe computer engineering.  If you know any Black female computer engineers who are also mothers, please pass along their info (if they are willing to talk to someone interested in joining the field).  I'd really be happy to talk to any computer engineer, so please let me know if you know some folks who wouldn't mind answering some basic questions (beyond what I can look up online).

In other news I'm blessed to have amazing people in my life who share with and inspire me.  Below is a painting by one of those people.  Check out her blog for more awesome artwork!

Also if you have some time, consider stopping by my friend Ev's blog.  She is challenging herself to publish a post every day for a month, an admirable goal and one day when I'm more organized I may try to do the same.

Thanks ladies for being a part of my life.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Difficult to Understand

A couple of people have been circulating an article about how women aren't crazy on facebook for interacting and communicating the way some women do.  It's an open letter of sorts from a feminist man.  I haven't had the opportunity to read the entire thing, and once I do maybe I will post it, but it started me thinking.

As a counseling student I was once confronted by a theory that suggested people distance themselves from emotionality to make more "rational" decisions.  I admit that sometimes it's hard to surpress an anxious-like- fire that wells up in me when I feel I have a point that is not being heard, especially as it pertains to the experience of women, people of color, and poor people.  I actively try to challenge myself to be open, to stay present and engaged enough to pay attention to not only my next point, but the points of the other person(s).  I disagree however that rationality is superior to emotionality, that arguments have to follow a certain set of rules.

Not everyone speaks the same way, thinks the same way.  I have a lot of growing to do in terms of better communicating my thoughts and ideas in the heat of contention, but I don't think being emotionally charged necessarily means one is more difficult to understand.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Change is hard

Every night I seem to run out of time fore myself.  Every night tiredness seems to creep up on me before I've even thought of beginning my night time routine.

Change is hard.  My desire is to live differently, to not feel so tired at the end of every day.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The overflow of my heart

Luke 6:45
Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Recently I've been feeling challenged to change my attitude and monitor more closely the things that I say, particularly to my husband.  I'm not one to curse or call names, its not the overtly disrespectful stuff that I worry about, more the subtle dismissive stuff.  We have different ways of communicating and thirty years from now I'm sure we'll look back and laugh at how long it took us to get it right, but in the mean time it is my desire to work on being better.  I got a fortune cookie a couple of weeks ago that I thought was cute, it reads:

"Improve yourself.  Practice makes perfect!"

In other news, Aminata and I participated in a march on Sunday to help end violence in Halifax.  I was interviewed and quoted in one of the local newspapers.  In this instance, although not elaborately planned, my words do represent what's in my heart.  I've been fortunate enough to live a life only lightly brushed by violence and as I watch a PBS special on Redefining War to include rape and restructuring peace to include the work of women, I recognize how important it is for us to work to end violence within our local communities and around the world.

I'm not sure how to best use my voice for change.  I do know that I want to start at home with letting my mouth truly speak the overflow of my heart.  I know that I want to be active in the world.  I know that I want to speak.    

Saturday, November 5, 2011


I started and stopped several posts today.  I've been meaning to post for the last week and with my husband out of town the last couple of days that goal has been harder and harder to accomplish

Since I've not been able to adequately settle those other posts, I decided to start anew.  It's almost 2 in the morning, but our baby is sleeping (she normally heads in between 12 and 1:30, the dishes are washed, I've read a chapter in Luke (my goal is to slowly, but surely make it through the gospels, even if its just a chapter a day), the living room is straightened, I've put a dish in the crockpot (tomorrow is our monthly communal dinner for first Sunday at church), I've picked out our clothes for tomorrow, and now all that is left to do is shower and head to bed.

I feel quite accomplished.  I had a good day, I thoroughly enjoyed being a mother.  I didn't waste the day away watching television, I didn't spend any money, and I appropriately prioritized.  My intention had been to post some amazing insightful masterpiece on something or another, but I'm going to contently settle on a day well lived and start anew tomorrow.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Taking Advantage of the Quiet

It's amazing the difference self care makes.  I made some great split pea soup w/smoked turkey leg (that I got from the market) yesterday.  It put an end to an outrageous couple of days of poor eating.  I really enjoyed it and it made me feel good.  I'm on my way to do my hair, which will hopefully be an equally enjoyable and fulfilling activity.

The loves of my life are napping and there's a bit of quiet, which I am using to relax and take care of me.

My Life:-)

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I've been fragile recently.  If struck at the wrong angle capable of completely shattering.  I feel simultaneously strong and weak.  Often its hard to reflect on my personal struggles because I tend to consider the challenges people much less privileged than me face, which creates further guilt over feeling so challenged when I live such a privileged life.

In relation to this blog, the feeling manifests itself through conflict about what to post.  There are always important events happening in the world from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearings happening here in Halifax, to the unrest and threat of interventions in Syria, everyday something worthy of reflection happens, and everyday I'm confronted with emotions and thoughts that have nothing to do with anyone but me.

I struggle with the desire to at once be perceived as thoughtful and insightful, while also being completely honest about the mess that I sometimes am.  Whether my words flow together coherently or not at the moment I'm unsure.  What I am willing to recognize in this moment is that this is my truth and if I'm afraid to share it, then that sort of defeats the purpose of occupying this virtual space.

Friday, October 28, 2011

No Movement Without Risk

Recently I've been confronted by the notion that there cannot be political or personal movement without risk.  In the class I'm sitting in on we watched a documentary called Fishing on the Brink.  It focused on the occupation of DFO (Fisheries and Oceans Canada) offices by inshore fishermen and women who supported them.  The participants were protesting legislation that had the potential to favor large multinational corporations over locals who had been fishing in Nova Scotia for generations.  Later in the day I went to a community meeting that addressed the hiring process for the executive director position at the Africville Heritage Trust.  There had been controversy over a white woman from Ontario receiving the job.  Articles about those events abound, here is one:  My position is one that many of the meeting attendees share, mainly that a person of African Nova Scotian background is best fit to redress the admitted racism involved in destroying the Africville community in the late 1960s.  It would make me uncomfortable if an organization that aimed to redress sexist policies in the workplace decided that the best person to head that organization was a man, not because men can't or shouldn't be involved, but because the life experience of being a woman, of negotiating one's identity and career in our patriarchal and sexist society provides fundamental knowledge and skills that can't be learned out of a book.  You need the life experience to best carry out the job and the same goes for the challenges Black people face in a society that let racism destroy the Africville community in the first place.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A Decade Into Womanhood...

I went to see a play a couple of months ago by Shauntay Grant.  It was very good and one of the lines that really stuck with me included the words:

"Only a decade into womanhood...."

It was repeated a couple of times with various endings to the sentence.  At 28 years old, it really resonated with me, because in many ways, that's sort of where I am. A decade into womanhood and...still a bit lost, but finding my way.

Today I worked very hard to break a cycle.  A cycle of unproductiveness, a cycle of self-doubt, a cycle of a lack of self-care.  I wasn't completely successful, but I did interrupt the cycle at the very least.  Upon re-reading that I felt bad for not giving myself credit for the work I do everyday to take care of my daughter, always falling short of perfection, but ever striving to protect, love, and support her.  A cycle of self-criticism and self-doubt may lie under the surface often, but one thing is certain, my love and support of Aminata.

I write this post at the end of a long day after having done some cleaning that I didn't want to do, but needed to do to feel accomplished at SOMETHING, again see the above comment about re-reading.  I tried really hard to not resent my partner in life for not cleaning for me.  I wasn't that successful.

I'm a decade into womanhood and I still find myself making childish mistakes.  Thankfully, I also find myself being reflective.  I find myself capable of adapting and practiced enough at being a woman to know that I have a lot to learn from other women.

Only a decade into womanhood....and I have much more to do and say.

Monday, October 24, 2011


I've felt stuck for the last couple of days.  Stuck in a cycle of being down on myself.  I try to remind myself to be kind to me, but I'm falling a bit short.  My goal though is to get out of this funk and figure out how to construct a more kind interpretation of myself.


Hubby: Sounds like you're so human.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Science Fiction

It's Fall and new tv shows are in abundance.  One of my favorite genres is Science Fiction.  I could watch sci-fi b-movies all day, as long as they have at least some mystery to them.

One of my favorite authors is Octavia Butler.  She wrote Parable of the Sower, among other novels and what I appreciate most about her work is the central role identity plays.  Most sci-fi movies and novels, don't pay particular attention to how race, class, and gender (to a lesser extent) impact one's experiences.  Butler constructs complex sci-fi narratives that reflect me, and my experiences.  I love it, every futuristic, parallel universe, time traveling, post-apocalyptic hero is not white and male.  I comment on this not because I dislike reading about characters who aren't culturally exactly like me, but because people of color are sometimes hard to find, especially in novels and its nice to not have to search.

Read it if you get the chance.  It took me a while get into it, but once it gets going, you won't want to put it down.  I can't wait to read Parable of the Talents, the next book in the series.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Kin Stability

I am sitting in on a course at Dalhousie University.  The class is called "Good Jobs, Bad Jobs".  If there is a subject you are interested in, but haven't studied yet, I encourage everyone who can to sit in on classes at your local university.  Most universities receive at least some public funding, they belong to the community as well as those who formally study and work there.  You don't get the formal feedback of graded essays or tests, but you do get access to knowledge and a platform to express your thoughts.  The endeavor is only free if the course books are at the library, but for $50 - $100 dollars you can expand your knowledge without the typical anxieties of taking a class or tuition.

The class is offered by the sociology department and primarily revolves around work and how its changed (and changing).  While in class on Tuesday we discussed family work conflict and it raised a question for me.

How do women's career achievements affect kin stability?  Now I made up the term kin stability to refer to the ways in which extended family and life-long neighbors/friends support the work family balance of working parents.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I had lunch with a friend today and I told her about my love for blog reading and blogging.  She asked what my blog was about and it occurred to me I didn't know exactly what its about.  It's not a journal in the daily account of my life way, but its not strictly political, religious, or mommy driven either.

Well what is it then? It's consistently personal.  My silent reflections in a loud world.  I want to remember why I write, even when I feel like no one hears me.  So here's a throwback post for you and for me.

I write to reflect, to express, to inspire, to connect to myself and to others, and hopefully this blog accomplishes that goal.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Which is more perplexing, engaging in formal modes of man sharing (e.g. being a "sister wife" in a polygamous family) or engaging in informal modes of man sharing (e.g. have a boyfriend/partner/"baby daddy"/ etc. that one shares with one or more other women)? 

I had a conversation once with Dr. Redd, the director of the Women's Center at NU about man sharing.  She was particularly concerned about the experiences of young Black women on college campuses who typically outnumber Black male students by 2 (sometimes 3) to one.  Her experience with young women who thought sharing a man was better than no man at all during a life stage that is biologically geared toward establishing intimate relationships always stayed with me.

That conversation and tv shows like Big Love and the new TLC reality show Sister Wives make me wonder, which do I find more problematic.  

Monday, October 17, 2011


"Aww mommy not another photo"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

God IS Good

As I'm sitting in church sometimes, I think:
"well that's one way to interpret it"

Certain things I have a hard time with.  For instance, I'm going to need God, Godself to come and tell me why a y chromosome qualifies men to rule over women in the home, church, or elsewhere.  But that's a subject for another day I suppose.

THIS Sunday, I sat in the pews and I felt like I got what our pastor was saying.  She said its not in God's character to be good.  God IS good.

Every smile on my daughter's face, every cool breeze on a hot day, every person in my life who loves and supports me, every good thing I know or experience is not only because of God, but IS God.

I'm working my way through the gospels now, trying to truly know God's word before I go around questioning it.  There are certain writers that I know it will be hard for me to read (*angry fist wave at Paul*), but I'm trying.  Even in my doubt, I suppose what pushes me forward is the part of me that knows God IS good, in the face of famine, war, hardship, and sadness, God is still and will ever remain the good that somehow reaches us, even in our darkest hour.

Relatedly, every act of goodness and kindness we do, is a reflection of God's presence in us, what better a way to let God's light shine through us, than by doing as much good as we can?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Like Good Air to Breathe

My husband and I watched Sounder for the first time a couple of weeks ago.  Nathan Lee, the father character had a line that I really liked.  He said:

"This school is something you need, something that's good for you, like... good air to breathe."

Education is that serious, that important, that essential I thought.  While I'm sure there is much more for me to learn from Paulo Freire, I really like his perspective on how education can be used to liberate (or bind) the oppressed.

As I reflect on how I've been involved in the education of others I wonder whether I was a liberating or binding force.  Ultimately I suspect the answer is a little bit of both, hopefully tilting at least ever so slightly to the liberating side.  My intention was certainly to be a positive helpful force in the lives of my students and colleagues, but life is more complicated than theory leaves room for sometimes, our imperfections and lack have consequences.

I write this with a cold, so its hard to take in a good breath of air.  I imagine, this feeling is similar to the experience of those who've never had access to quality education.  Regardless of whether there is an abundance of opportunities to learn in the United States (or Canada), if you don't have access to it, and can't fully appreciate it, then you might not think its all that special...

Hopefully I'll get another chance.  A chance to do better, be better, for students, their parents, my community.  As Nathan Lee also put it:

"Education is a tool to help your people." and I take that responsibility seriously.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I heard...

While we were traveling a couple of months ago I heard the singer Adele's song Someone Like You for the first time.  It's a heartache song about a love lost.  The remarkable aspect of the song is how it speaks to a feeling of vulnerability and hurt that I think many people feel after a break up.

I have no idea what the actual relationship that inspired the song was like.  I found it hilarious that the guy who broke her heart suggested that he should get credit/royalties for "inspiring" her album.  At any rate after finding out that she wrote the song as a 20 year old (or something like that), it all started to make more sense to me.

I hear the song and I think of the 22 year old me who was feeling that way, and I wish I could tell her, don't fret.  There is a partner, a husband, a life so much better than you could ever imagine waiting for you.  Now all I need to find is the song that speaks to the "who knew life could be this good" feeling.

Friday, September 30, 2011


As I've tried to figure out how I'll balance my desire to be involved in the community with my desire to stay at home with my babes until she starts school, it's occurred to me more and more how important sisterhood is in raising children.  I am privileged enough to have a loving, supportive partner who shares life and parenting with me, but sisterhood still has its place, a place that my husband can't occupy, a space that is constructed by the very essence of what it means to mother.

My women friends whether mothers or not, whether married or not, whether working or not, all help make my path less lonely and less difficult.  It's hard to describe what its like to be a woman.  I am aware that gender identity, like race is socially constructed in many ways, but that doesn't make it less real.  That fact does not render the strength that comes from engaging in sisterhood void.

I've decided to try to be better at sisterhood.  To do my part to support the women I know, especially the mothers, because I know that without the women in my life, I'd be lost.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


A friend of mine and I challenged ourselves to not eat fast food for 21 days.  Our primary motivation was health reasons, but in these 21 days I think I've gained a lot more from the challenge than I had initially thought I would.  Below is a picture of a meal I made, one night that I really, and I do mean REALLY wanted to order a pizza and call it a day.

Mexican Millet and Sauteed Veggies w/tomato on the side!

Cooking is not one of my favorite activities.  My husband never cooks, and it quite honestly intimidates me to think that I'll have the responsibility of feeding us for the next fifty, sixty, however many years.  The internet is helpful, I got the recipe from here.  

It has been empowering to not rely on overprocessed foods from who knows where.  The summer means an abundance of local vegetables, and staples can be bought in bulk and stored for long periods of time resulting in what turned out to be a fantastic dinner.

I think my next challenge will be a bit shorter.  I'll start with 10 days of no processed food.  Wish me luck!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Operating in Truth

Sometime close to when my husband and I first started dating, we instituted the honesty movement.  It was basically an attempt to avoid even polite lies.  No longer were we to hide our opinions about things (if asked), no longer were we to mask our intentions or tell lies of any sort.  It was a fun, but sometimes hard challenge for a new couple.  Over time a formal honesty movement subsided and became a "remember way back when" story for a couple of six years and counting.  

From time to time I think about that movement.  I consider reinstituting it with everyone I know.  What seems hard is finding the balance between the desire to share my thoughts and opinions about things with the rights of everyone else to not be subject to my every fleeting thought or emotion.  Just because something is true, doesn't mean it must be shared, right?  Our previous movement was an understanding, that both of us entered into valuing honesty above politeness (and other things).  

Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what I want to say here because I feel mediated by that conflict.  Will anyone even hear what I have to say if my truth doesn't fit their values or worldview.  Do people care to hear my truth?  

Plainly said, I have a blog because I want to be heard.  My intention is always to be honest, and I've written and re-written posts to that end.  Sometimes I've edited myself though, and my goal is to stop doing that.  I am as complex as God made me and that should be reflected here.  

I updated my blog with a new blogger look, and I plan to blog now (more frequently) with a new attitude, one that is more honest and unafraid.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Worth It

It's easy to understand working one job, even two to support my family as important and worthwhile. If I were in that position, and someone asked me if my child was worth all of the trouble, I imagine I'd give a resounding YES. My world was reoriented a little while ago though by a slightly different version of that question. As I talked with my husband about some of my anxieties about not working, he asked is my daughter worth it.

What an amazing question. It spoke to my fundamental understanding of what it means to be a mother. My mother HAD to work one, two, sometimes three jobs to support us. She emphasized education, so that we could take care of ourselves and our families when the time came. My understanding of what it means to be a mother means working as hard and as often as you have to in order to support your family. She would have done anything for my sister and I. Now I find myself asking, am I willing to do ANYTHING for my child. Am I willing to not earn an income, to suppress my achievement oriented personality, to press pause on my career plan/aspirations for my sweet baby girl?

I'm not sure how healthy a self-suppressing motherhood can be, but I am sure that being a parent is about taking on the responsibility of raising a child the best way you can.

So I say YES she is worth it, and I try to figure out how to make that decision work for her and me.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Yesterday I decided to be more disciplined, to stop "trying" to do better and to just do better. To do what I say I'm going to do. I also decided that process starts with a prayer, with asking God to help me do those things, to remind me when I forget why I've decided to change in the first place.

Developing discipline is no easy challenge for me. I am still thinking about the chocolate peanut-butter milkshake I turned down earlier today, but I have faith that it will get easier.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Imperfect Me

Most of the food my baby gets is baby formula. Despite two different types of medication, fenugreek and blessed thistle (two herbs), my family doctor, a breastfeeding specialist, two public health nurses, an acupunctorist, and pumping, I still can't exclusively breastfeed my baby. I don't even get close in fact. Breast is best and my best isn't good enough... or so I told myself for a while.

Despite what feels like a monumental failure of epic proportions, my baby is still growing. She is still happy and healthy. I still offer her what little I have and she gets what she can. I've decided that this may be a life lesson, an opportunity for me to grow. The chance to understand that I may not be able to give her the best of everything, but she'll still be ok. The opportunity to learn how to persevere as a mother despite my imperfections. Something altogether different? I don't know.

My girl is a happy healthy human being and I couldn't ask for more


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Time for Tina

Every night I seem to run out of time fore myself.  Every night tiredness seems to creep up on me before I've even thought of beginning my night time routine.

Change is hard.  My desire is to live differently, to not feel so tired at the end of every day.

Monday, May 16, 2011


I took this picture on a trip to Lake Geneva with my husband. I was having a hard time finding the words I wanted to share today, so I chose a picture instead.

Sometimes I feel distracted by the reflections I see of myself. The real life version of me is three dimensional, full of complexity and nuance. Yet I get caught up in what I think I see reflected back to me when I take hurried assessments of me. I remain so much more than what I perceive as reflections of myself (e.g. the state of our cluttered apartment).

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Regaining Courage

A friend mentioned to me a piece of wisdom that her mother shared with her and now I'll pass it on....

Over the course of motherhood you have to get your courage back. That sentiment has been especially important to me as I've struggled through the first couple of months of motherhood. Worrying all the time, feeling guilty and inadequate. In many ways, each day is about regaining my courage to face the world as the competent, capable person I thought myself to be (before the test of motherhood).

A second gem came through a story:

A woman with four or five kids playing in a park sat peacefully and calmly on a bench. When questioned about her serene state in the midst of minding after her children, she said: "I used to worry all the time, and then one day I met God."

My friend took from this story we do the best we can and then we let God do the rest. Wow, why didn't I get that having known God for a while now? I think I'm finally starting to get it now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I am ever-grateful for my sweet baby girl.

On Mother's Day a friend wrote about how grateful he was for his mother who raised a family, worked full-time, and still maintained a sense of self. His words were "and still made space for her own individuality".

I hope that one day my child feels the same. Sometimes I'm so afraid to fail my child as a mother. She is the most beautiful, precious person I know, and I want her to grow up to be the self-confident, brilliant young woman I know she can be.

It's strange how "traditional" ideals of what a woman should be manifest themselves in my proudly feminist life. I at once couldn't imagine handing over the care of my most precious gift to someone else, so that I might go work. On the other hand I long to contribute my thoughts and ideas to the world through work. I'm unsure how this dichotomy will resolve itself in the future, but I am hopeful that it will be resolved through thought and prayer.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Power of the Universe Knows My Name

"My God calls to me in the morning dew/
The Power of the Universe knows my name/
Gave me a song to sing and sent me on my way/
I raise my voice for justice, I believe "
I remember, I believe
Sweet Honey in the Rock

It's hard to believe. I love the song "I remember, I believe" because it gives examples of why we might believe. We believe because we remember where we came from,
because sometimes despite a lack of technical understanding of something we witness it happening, so we must believe, because we are evidence of the belief, because the power of the universe knows each and every one of our names.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that belief isn't as hard as it sometimes seems.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Booties for my baby!

I can now knit scarves AND booties. Now all I have to learn how to do is crochet a blanket for our little guy or gal in the next week and a half :-P

Sunday, January 2, 2011


To remember that everyday is a gift.
To live life in the moment, appreciative of what I have now:
Reflective of how I am using my time,
Thankful for the many blessings I have,
Unafraid of mistakes.