Monday, January 30, 2012


When I was a child I imagined I'd do something great.  I felt full of promise.  Junior high Tina thought she was one of the smartest in the class (nevermind there were only 14-16 kids in the class:-).  High school Tina knew she wasn't the smartest, but she was at least "above average".  College Tina, recognized her world was so small back home and being the smartest - 1) wasn't a personal reality and 2) wasn't all that mattered... yet she still wanted to be great.  Graduate school Tina had her moments when she was exceptional and moments when she was just getting by, but the scale tipped (even if ever so slightly) more to the exceptional side than the just getting by side.  Tina the first year counselor was a hot mess, Tina the first year mom, not a hot mess, but not mother of the year either.

Sometimes I wonder if the promise I saw, the promise I feel my family and friends saw and encouraged will ever be realized.  I wonder whether I'll survive the projected 5-7 years of stay at home motherhood where my greatness is largely a reflection of my existence as the professor's wife, and mother of the most brilliant and beautiful child(ren).  I'm sure I could use a perspective check, and I check myself often during the day, since I live a very privileged life, with opportunities to become more engaged in the community (which I pursue when I can), but I still wonder....I wonder whether any of the plans or ideas I have are really able to be accomplished from a non employed SAHM position.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A year of SAHM

When my daughter grows up, I want her to feel capable of achieving her goals.  I want her to sidestep the guilt and shame of imperfection, to be whatever she dreams of being.  I want to be an example of living a fulfilling life.  I want her to know me and the women who helped shape me, and to know without a doubt that she can have it all.

Once I was at a Council of One Hundred event at Northwestern.  They have a mentoring program for women and one of the council members was on a panel.  Someone asked about having it all, referring to being a professional and a mother (and wife) and the person said (and I paraphrase here) "sure you can have it all, just not at the same time".

Now I've repeated these words a couple of times and been looked at askance on more than one occasion.  I've repeated it, not because I think its 100% true, but because I think its an interesting perspective that deserves more exploration.  Few of the people I've said this to have indulged me thus far.

I'm willing to admit automatically there is something unsettling about the idea that women need to put their career on hold to become mothers, especially since practically no one would accept that supposition for men.  But there's hope in the statement for a young college educated stay at home mother like myself.  There's the suggestion that at some point it will again be socially acceptable to pour too many hours and too much energy into our chosen field/industry, as opposed to our children.....or something like that.

It's been about a year since I started my stay at home mother(hood) journey.  Sometimes I struggle, and sometimes its the best job in the world.  I've decided that while its important to me to have a presentable home that can be visited upon on surprise... while I enjoy walking out to a clean apartment in the morning... while I enjoy sharing a good meal I've prepared, I still yearn for something more.  I know its obvious, but worth stating out loud, I have thoughts, ideas, programs I'd like to develop and I aim to do so.

Change, progress, life happens one step at a time.  I'll keep you all updated along my way.  I know I may have had similar posts before, but I find myself energized for another push forward recently.

Blessed beyond measure to be her mom.

Monday, January 16, 2012

In the middle of the night

It's quiet at 2:30am
Sweet faces have already shut their eyes
Dishes and toys still wait, yearning for a return to their place

It's peaceful at 3:30am
The days damage, slowly peeling away
Worries and anxieties melting with greasy suds being washed down the drain

It's late at 4:30am
Courting sleep, fearing morning
Pledging to read, write, wash dishes, sweep/mop/vacuum, bathe, etc...BEFORE sweet faces fall asleep after 1 or 2am

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Lately its seemed as if blogging gets pushed to the back burner.  For the last several days I've gotten to the end of a day, only to have a choice before me.  SLEEP or blog....  It's a tough decision some nights because I really love having a space to share my thoughts, to put whatever is troubling me or whatever idea/theme is active in my imagination onto paper, but sleep is important.  Sleeping while my baby is sleeping of supreme importance.  

I'm not sure I have much to say tonight, I just wanted to say something before racing to bed.  Goodnight :-)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Friday, January 6, 2012

On Hagar

So it's silent and I strain to hear God. I downloaded an app that breaks the Bible up into small chunks, to be read from beginning to end in one year. I'm not even a week in, but the task seems to be going ok, although I struggle. I struggle to hear God through a text that at times seems oppressive to me. Why would God favor Abram and Sarai, when they treat Hagar as less important, less fully human than themselves. What gives Sarai the right to "give" Hagar to her husband. How devestating it must have been to be forced into the slave owner's bed by his wife, forced to carry a child to further his legacy. It feels unjust and leaves me pondering the age old questions of why bad things happen, why are some people born in North America where their likelihood of living a decent life is dramatically higher than if they were born in poorer parts of the world. 

Why? Why slavery? Why the subjugation of women? Why covenants, savior for some people, but not all people? So many whys....

Because it's God's plan? Is God not the creator of all people? Are we not all his children? How is it right/fair that some are favored and some are not? Maybe I need to be clearer on how I define favored, because it's clearly not solely a material wealth thing, but still, its hard to imagine understanding God's favor from Hagar's position.