Sunday, August 26, 2012

A Ten Minute Post

I suppose my aim is to bear witness to my thoughts in hopes that others will hear, connect, know what I experience... that we each might live in such a way that people suffer less (including ourselves and others).  Gave up facebook and feeling much less heard as a result.

I edited this post in about a minute and a half the following day, so the title should probably be 11.5 minute post:-P

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Lost in me

And it's hard to see sometimes.
mind, body, soul clouded by impurities.
Frustration mounted upon expectations,
reasonable and unreasonable.

And I expect myself to do better, 
to not fall into the trap of thinking of my privileges as burdens,
yet here I stand, disappointed and saddened.

And still I find myself grappling with thoughts, 
ideas not smoothed by the relentless pressure of time.
You'd think, knowing better would mean not only doing better,
but thinking better too.
It doesn't, in my experience.

When I was young I would sometimes lay on the ground outside of my school.
Slowly let the cold concrete draw away the warmth of my body.
The coolness felt soothing, and upon standing up my brain was no longer as clouded.

I experienced that loss of warmth as something special.
And I miss it, along with other wonders of girlhood.
There are new wonders though,
and I attempt to accept, respect, and cherish these,
but some days it's hard.

Some days I just wonder about,
lost in me.
Hoping that the luxurious confusion and angst,
I sometimes find myself suspended in isn't as terrible
as it seems (especially in a world filled with
war, violence, hatred, and human suffering, 
the likes of which I haven't seen).

Saturday, August 18, 2012

And if he

And if he did a poor job,
Then imagine how that shapes her understanding of Him.
Deep wounds of disappointment and despair,
salved its "supposed" to be?
No, why not instead fashion a The.
...lover and creator of all,
bound not by the limitations of him or
all that imaginations (personal and collective)
would have us believe they (he or she) should be.
Instead leaving her and him to meditate, study, pray
their way to love,
unencumbered by the weight of he or him.
Open to seeking the way,
the truth,
and the light.

Friday, August 10, 2012

We're the people this earth was created for

And when I lay my head down at night,
I often think, tomorrow I'll be fearless.
Tomorrow, I'll keep out those things that depress,
and embrace those things things that fill up,
Those things that fill me up with confidence,
those things that inspire ACTION.
Then tomorrow comes and it's just another day,
and I think to myself where did my ferocity go?
I was once fierce and sure,
But now I feel shaky, haunted by a few mistakes etched permanently in my mind,
Knowing there are countless more that I can't remember.

And someone once told me I'll be great when I let go.
If only time could stand still as someone whispers in my ear: now.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


And when imagining who I'd marry, I thought to myself,
Someone I can struggle with.
In new love the sun always shines on the right side of the street.
You never have to worry about droughts.
But in more mature love, togetherness takes on a slightly different luster.
Hard to notice at first, but in time exposing a person in a deeper, more complicated hue.
More complicated to understand, more complicated to describe.
I've learned in marriage to put on my big girl pants,
To consistently, daily strive to be a better human being, even if I fail sometimes.
When you spend as much time around your loved ones as I do you learn.

Learn that its easy to die by 1000 paper cuts.
As already said by many before me, slight slights have power,
The potential (if left unattended) to transform what was once a beautiful tasty morsel of love
into a disgusting, smelly unrecognizable distortion of what used to be savored.

Learn to accept as a precious gift the nagging voice that says RECONCILE,
even in the fury of an argument.
After all you LOVE this person, and they you.
(Even midst being hurt, even amidst hurting.)

Learn to trust, trust him to live up to his vows,
trust yourself to be the friend, confidant, supporter, lover, partner
you looked into his eyes and agreed to be.

There is disappointment and disagreement in all relationships, and yes, struggles too, but there is also indescribable joy, and laughter, and happiness that makes it worth every bit of personal growth that marriage sometimes wrings out of you.

 I love you and am profoundly happy to be your wife, Happy 3rd Anniversary dear!