Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year

I think any time is a good time to reflect, but a new year beginning seems an especially good time to think about the year past and the year to come.

I don't remember what my resolutions for last year were.  I may or may not have accomplished some or all of what I intended.  I've written down my resolutions for this year in a safe place that I will hopefully be able to look at and reflect on throughout the year.

I know a couple of things are true though and I'll share those:
1) I am so grateful for my family.  And I hope that gratitude extends beyond words and platitudes into action that demonstrates how much I cherish my partner for life, my children, and all the whole of my family.

2) Excellence doesn't require perfection, it requires planning, practice, effort, a whole long list of things, but definitely not perfection.  So I'm trying to refocus on that...excelling beyond momentary setbacks, stumbles, failures, etc.

Day 1

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


And when I breathe in and out
a new opportunity presents itself
to be the woman I intend to be.
The weight of that realization however
presses down hard on me
as I think about both those things I've left undone
AND the potential of those things yet to be done
if only I had the power within me to do them.

And I still don't know why failure still seems my foe,
as if those who are great only saw success.
How do I move?
How do I disrupt laziness, doubt, and fear?
Where does my strength hide
the moment after the moment
I see possibility.

What is my motivation?

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Aloe Pope

And if I had another daughter tomorrow I might name her Aloe Pope.

Aloe for waking me up,

And Pope for reminding me of my voice,

No matter how unimportant to some, is essential to others.

Though I may be idealistic and overly self-reflective,

I push forward despite the denigrating gaze of false fathers (or mothers) pretending to care.

That she, the not me, me,

Might grow strong,


And knowledgeable of how well-loved she is.

That she, the personification of delight,

was created (again), through me.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Not Afraid

And as if to ward away solace, 
like a dog barking at the window 
whenever anyone approaches,

I am reminded daily, 
moment by moment 
that knowing better doesn't always mean doing better.

I ruminate on this thought,
toss it over and over in my mind.
Dress it up, tear it down,
cower from it, and fight
the idea that I am not,
will not be enough.

The comfort of productivity and success
seem unworthy foes of doubt.

The question, what would I do if unafraid?
prompts other questions.
What am I afraid of 
and how ubiquitous is that fear?
Single fear?
Series of fears?

Saturday, August 31, 2013

A Happy Post

Writing provides an outlet for when I'm feeling down or conflicted or unsure how to express myself in any other way.  Consequently this blog often takes on a tone that is not representative of my life in general.

For the written record:

Wonder and joy fill my daily life.
Even when tired, even when disheartened, even when sad,
Small children bathe me in brightness and love beyond fault,
Their father soothing me with sweet words of support and humor.

I won't pretend to have a perfect life.
I do have dreams longing to be fulfilled.
But I have a home and a family.

It's occurred to me recently that the melancholy I had been experiencing was related to a pessimistic view of the world.  Related to a belief that things won't change, related to guilt over my material comforts - experienced as the direct and indirect oppression of someone else (an unknown factory worker in China, an underpaid sales clerk in Halifax, etc.).  Privilege itself maybe isn't the problem, but complacency.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

When the powerful feel weak

I find myself angry these days.
All the while feeling like I don't deserve to be angry.
Often feeling especially guilty for being angry, given my especially good life.

I find myself confused and wanting.
Unsure how to combat this consistent conundrum.
Searching self over and over for seeds of discontent.

Why do I feel so powerless and weak?
Why do I feel so powerless and weak, despite not actually being powerless or weak (most of the time)?

Monday, August 19, 2013


At once I cherish early morning grunts,
and scrunched up faces that follow slow motion stretches...
all the while wondering if I could head off to work,
(as opposed to a morning nap),
once middle of the night feedings conclude
in a beautiful swaddled boy.

I find myself delighting in sweetness,
yet longing for the complexity of working life.
Admonished by the silent voices of women present and past
who caution against longing for what you don't have,
especially in the shadows of great comfort.
I confront them with timidity,
suggest in inaudible tones that my life is not as easy as it appears.
They seem to listen, though only halfheartedly,
perhaps lamenting that despite their efforts,
I'll still have to learn most lessons on my own
(even, maybe especially the hard ones).

How does one build a balanced life?
How does one find settlement
where agitation lives?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Early Morning

Early morning is so beautiful to me.
It seems somehow more virtuous than late morning.
The hard working people moving about,
many without the convenience of expensive coffee,
or even cars for that matter.

Nursing has reintroduced me to an old love,
the kind I can thankfully revisit time and again,
one that I hope never loses its silent, 
strong, wonder.

I find myself swimming in romanticism these days,
and I have to be honest and say I like it.

Early morning and all that you bring,
I admire you.

Friday, July 5, 2013


And the sweetness is still there
though admittedly tinged with guilt.
Envy of those whose babies gulp,
while mine strains for droplets
from breasts yet unfulfilled.

The sweetness still radiates from bright eyes
and the softest little feet,
raised eyebrows, smiles during sleep,
where dreams I can't begin to imagine fill
a mind developing so fast words fail me.

Frustration still clouds the view sometimes.
While every child seems perfect,
"the only thing greater than thyself",
every parent is certainly not.
The murkier waters of fatigue inspired
doubt, anger, disappointment in self or support,
challenges me (even if other parents remain above the fray).

The sweetness is sweet,
in taste, in sight, in smell, in touch
just so sweet.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


And a sense of inadequacy lingers on,
a bubbling brook, sometimes quiet and soft,
a ravenous river, sometimes overflowing from unseasonably high rainfall.

Some failures shouldn't be conceived of as such I suppose,
some realities, less personal shortcoming, 
more luck of the draw.

Deciphering self can be hard.
I lost my rose coloured glasses with the me setting.
Most of what I see now appears in black, white, and 
impossible to distinguish shades of gray.

Things are easier this time I suppose.
But I still wonder in and out of each day,
questioning who I am, 
and whether I've lived up to my (hopefully) good name.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Trust and Fear

The privacy minded part of me says don't share a word (the world can hear you, can build supposition and profile from what you freely and willingly share)..
But the part of me that wants to be heard says speak.

I'm not sure what the best way to be is, 
I'm unclear if I'm ever making the best decision.

I hope that I won't ever regret being open about my thoughts and perspectives.
I wish I could read the thoughts of my mother, grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc. at my age.

I anxiously await the birth of my second child and I find myself consumed with questions about my ability to mother more than one human being.  

Today we put bibs on backwards and as I sleepily folded laundry, my first born and I pretended to be super baby and super mommy.  Zooming after the cars rushing by my bedroom window between clothes items.  Raising arms to show how we are big and strong.  I wouldn't give up these moments for anything, but part of me feels like I already have.  Will I ever be not tired again in life?  Will my iron rebound?  Will I have energy again?

Monday, June 3, 2013

On Faith

So I think about faith a lot.  At times I have so little that I'm unsure I have any left in me at all.  My current default position is probably belief in a God that we all (each person that exists) meet in our own way.  My way being through Christianity and the church, others through some other organized religion, or an entirely different manner altogether. 

Its paradoxical to me at times.  I feel like I love church folk, more than I love the church, which is different than many who will tell you quite frankly how they love the church, but can't be bothered with church folk.  God as I know God has worked through the church, bringing many many women (for the most part) into my life to encourage me, help me find purpose when I felt lost in the world or disheartened.

But then there are things that I find hard to believe.  How can I believe in Jesus without believing everything the Bible offers as the true uncorrupted word of God? How can I accept certain church traditions, and reject others?  How can I believe in justice and in texts that seem to validate the existence of slavery, the silencing of women, or the favoring of certain people over others for no other reason than personal prerogative.

Sometimes I can't bring myself to go to church.  Sometimes I feel the urge, and at the very least am happy to receive the love that always flows from those church folk I cherish so much.  I suppose its possible I'm wracking my brain for an answer that can only be found in my heart.

My truth though is that wherever I end up, I want to arrive there not as a result of fear.  I have the hardest time relating to the jealous God, the fear of the Lord rhetoric.  Those concepts seem so human to me, and similar to narratives surrounding greek gods and the like.  It would seem to me that "God is" (not needing our praise or acknowledgement, never jealous, not ruling by fear of condemnation or death, rather meeting people where they are, providing solace for the weary, and encouragement for the strong to carry out love in action).

I may be all wrong or sharing too much publicly, but these things... I believe (right now at least :-)).

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


So I made a list of priorities and then was sad to see blogging didn't make the list.  I'm sad about that, but figure its ok if for the moment blogging didn't make it.  I'll be back one of these days, don't give up on me:-)

Monday, April 15, 2013

hard life

And it seems like everyday, my husband and I look at each other, express thankfulness and gratitude for the other, for the amazing gift our daughter is to our lives, and particularly on days like this, with news of a local teen being shot, the Boston marathon bombings, and friends facing trials and tribulations of what seem extreme magnitudes   I say to myself, I shouldn't ever complain about anything, but what I think I mean is I'm sorry that anyone has to endure such hardship and I hope I remember to be ever grateful for the life I live, ever loving toward others.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

What think you?

I was watching a more conservative news network here in Canadiana.  The segment included a piece on a single father who wanted his 9 year old daughter to take female only swimming lessons, but was taken aback when he was told he couldn't stay and watch the swimming lessons because the class was created to accommodate people with cultural or religious stipulations that prohibited mixed sex classes.  

The commentator took it as an example of our culturally sensitive society gone awry.  Why can't this father who happens to want his daughter in a single-sex class, stay, just because it could potentially make the other participants feel uncomfortable?  He was advised if he wanted to stay and watch the lessons to put his daughter in a mixed sex swimming lesson. 

As a woman, it would likely make me uncomfortable to have a man that I don't know watching my daughter's girls only swim class.  Not to say he should be subject to my comfort, but it would likely make me a little uncomfortable until I had some assurance that he isn't the type of man to take inappropriate pleasure in seeing a bunch of tweens splash around in the pool.  

I know for sure I don't by the we're too culturally sensitive angle.  Is this same man offended that cultural norms prevent his daughter from accompanying him through the men's locker room at 9 years old, because even if family changing rooms do exist in most places, you are first required to exit through one locker room or the other to get to the family area.  Should we discard that more widespread rule because its a cultural restriction, technically men and women could always share a single locker room right?  Is how comfortable women in particular feel about being naked among strangers not what dictates the policy of separate changing facilities?

I feel bad for the dad.  He may be looking for a safe place for his developing daughter to learn how to swim outside of the company of boys.  It would seem given that particular sensitivity that he might understand the perspective of the parents of the other girls, who might desire a separate space for reasons of their own.  

At any rate, at least one other man went on to discuss the male anchor the issue of whether this was too much accommodation.  It made me think of an all male panel discussing Dr. Gosnell and his performance of unsafe late term abortions.  Not one woman in the bunch to offer the perspective of women, beyond clips of women that can be played, but don't speak back, or engage the anchors.

What do you think?   

Friday, April 12, 2013


And my truth is I'm full of thoughts, inspiration, and fear sometimes.  I'm uncertain what is holding me back, what keeps me just a little afraid to share my thoughts, to do things differently, to live more fearlessly.  I suppose it takes one choice at a time, but its frustrating to feel bound by myself.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Early Riser

There's something liberating about not needing an alarm clock.  Either because your body is a well oiled machine, waking at just the right time, every morning OR because you happen to have that much flexibility in your day that you can rise when you want.  I struggle, because I want to get up and get at it every morning, but I abhor alarm clocks.  They are little sleep stealing trouble makers, forcing you to leave behind the comfort of your well warmed sheets to confront a busy day.  I reject thee alarm clock.....if only I didn't need you so....sometimes.

Monday, April 8, 2013


And its sometimes hard to share issues I have't come to terms with internally yet, which is why there were four incomplete posts before this one.  I'm committed to writing something tonight because I think its important to document my thoughts as I have them.  So many personal insights get lost, so many thoughts I'd like to share and get feedback on disintegrate before I have a chance to save them.  And I rarely go back to an uncompleted post, despite my best intentions of doing so at the time.

The four themes I had such a hard time articulating:
-the frightening nature of privilege for a working-poor girl turned middle class housewife
-the nobility of selflessness, especially as it relates to motherhood, married life, and community centered work
-good days, finding balance, and the importance of personal time away from home for adults educated in our society
- dual pressures, the joy of motherhood, the joy of work outside the home, and the work of dissecting myth from personal and/or collective truth


Sunday, April 7, 2013

It's Late

It's late, but I want to write.
It's late, but I WANT to write.
It's late, so I'm going to bed, better luck tomorrow I suppose:-)
The thoughts of an inspired, but tired me.

Saturday, April 6, 2013


And I suppose the reason I love archival work is the fact that we can't remember everything.  I don't even think we should.  Preserving the past has always been about choosing what we and others remember about us.  I suppose that today's events (a Black family meeting) that brought together members of the community to discuss important issues in the community, have affirmed for me how important being intentional about what we remember is. I had been feeling down because not as many people as I expected participated in video project I put together, it was exhausting trying to recruit people, and many people abstained   But in reality, it has accomplished the purpose I set forth.  We'll remember what we remember, and I can go to bed knowing that I did a small part to record the thoughts and reflections of myself and others.

Friday, April 5, 2013


And at times I feel guilty for staying up late, and sleeping in in the morning.  But it just occurred to me that on the nights I'm not up chatting up Chike, I'm up enjoying the solitude, the break of it all.  I don't have an office or any other space I can just go to and be by myself....a space that I have the right to occupy whenever I want.  I don't think it's selfish to want a little solitude.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

75 and 24

I've got about 75 days to go until I meet our second child.  
I've not spent an entire day away from my first.
I suppose I could write two entirely separate posts about each subject,   
I find them each weighty enough,
but the truth is the two are forever tied.
Never were the two separate from the very beginning (of the second new life),
but with proximity brings focus.
I will soon be the mother of 2.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


And I was talking to a friend about something that happened at church.  She mentioned how she understands herself as having a covenant with the members of our church, that can and in some ways must remain despite differences in theology or philosophy.  That really challenged how I understand my relationships with the other people who attend our church.  Covenants are deep, serious commitments and I just see myself as having so few.  It's hard to even think of any beyond the one I have with my husband.  Maybe the word covenant can be used to describe my commitments/participation in other relationships with certain family members or close friends, to love, support, never judge.

But what is a covenant to me.  I suppose a promise, not an ordinary promise though, but a promise that withstands all pressure, all personal shortcomings.  I guess that's why I can't say I have many covenants and its hard quite honestly to imagine myself having covenants with a large group of people.  I suppose that's why some people need and believe in Jesus, in order to facilitate a covenant of love with the whole world.  I don't know, I just think its hard for me to say at this point that I have a covenant with anyone other than my most loved, and trusted.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Because somethings you just can't unsee

And from time to time I miss facebook.  I can't call myself completely disconnected since Chike still has an account that I visit regularly enough.  I obviously don't go as often as I did when I had my own account, but I still visit regularly (daily even depending on when you inquire).  I like seeing articles I might not have seen, but the downside is also seeing other things I wish I could unsee.  Today was one such day.  Since I don't have a personal account anymore, facebook is almost purely a spectator's sport.  And I think it's time I limited my spectating to the photos of newborn babies and the like that Chike finds relevant enough to me to share.

Monday, April 1, 2013

My hero

Every night my husband walks our daughter upstairs, brushes her teeth, puts on her pajamas, and makes the first attempt at putting her to bed, most nights its the only one needed.  For this and many more reasons he is my hero, for not complaining, for not making me feel bad for not having the energy, or patience to pitch in most nights.  At times its hard to describe exactly what love is, its tied to so many different things, the smallest acts of kindness and sweetness mean so much.  Walking our daughter upstairs to complete a nightly ritual, even though there are articles to be written, papers to be marked, lectures to be prepared means a lot to me.  Sometimes I forget to say thank you, sometimes my first words when he returns are about a light that didn't get turned off or grabbing something from the kitchen.  I am ever-reminded how precious a life-partner is, can't say I even had the best idea of what to look for in a potential partner when I was young and single, but I am oh so happy to have found my partenaire pour la vie.  

So for putting our sweet baby girl to bed, amid almost nightly tears and resistance, for getting up early, even after going to bed late in the morning, for not giving up the potty training fight, especially since I don't have the patience for it, and for things too many to name that you do everyday, love you are my hero!


Aminata awoke from her nap and asked for her customary snack.  I use the word generally enough I thought.  But when we got downstairs she didn't want yogurt, chicken, not anything I named, she wanted what she calls a snack, namely a granola bar (something I've intentioned not to buy).  Anywho we stood in front of the refrigerator, her in tears as I went through her available options, not until pinapples did she finally agree to something else.  After one serving she said:
"Apple fruit,
Apple pie.."
Then I said "more pineapples?"
And she said "Yes! More apple pie, pineapples!"

She still requests apple pie, apple pie!

Sunday, March 31, 2013

And Then....

I breathed, and tried to imagine what a good life is to me.
It's hard to separate what I think, from what others suggest or think.
It's hard to know if incorporating new information is any better than working from my reserves.
Where does happiness fit in?
What about pain, discomfort, or struggle?
Sometimes when the night winds down and I feel weighed down by whatever, I think to myself will tomorrow end just the same.  Will it really take as much extra as it feels like now when I barely have enough to make it to the next significant task?

I have a good life, a great one even, and I try to remember that, but this life isn't easy, it isn't free of frustration or fear.  It's complicated.

I like to imagine myself a good person, trying to live a good life, and then I wonder what that truly means... its still unclear.  Am I just lazy is a question that swims in my mind over and over again..

Saturday, March 30, 2013


And occasionally I'm uncomfortable with the silence.
I've learned to not jump to conclusions so fast (sometimes),
but I wonder whether sharing my truth is enough,
 fulfilling in its own right.
Is it an exercise in courage, or just distraction from some other 
more significant task.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Ethics of knowledge part 1


I have an ethical quandary of sorts.  I was introduced to a website that offers free ebooks.  Its not a file sharing website.   You don't have to register or download anything if you don't download more than 10 books a day.  All websites have the ability to track your ip address, so its not like you are anonymous, but its also not like there is a single account that all of your activity is stored under (as far as I can tell).

Anywho, I don't feel as troubled downloading popular, wealthy author A's book, but I feel a bit bad downloading academic author B's book, or small author C's book.  It's true for at least 90+% of the titles, I would either just never read the book or get it from the library and maybe read part of it before running out of time or incurring fines and returning the book unfinished.  I would think most authors want their books read, but they also have life expenses like anyone else.

I go back and forth about whether its wrong or right to use the site.  Wrong sometimes, ok other times.  I was young in the file sharing hay day, but now I find myself conflicted.  Knowledge should be as accessible as possible right, but what about quality fiction, what about specialized info that's hard to gather or wildly expensive?

Any authors out there care to weigh in?    

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Needing Women

And motherhood feels at once timeless,
And brand-new everyday.
A well-practiced art, impossible to prepare for...
since you don't know your child 'til you know hir.
And despite lessons learned through example or lack thereof,
I find I still need women.

Need my grandmother who skypes with me during the day,
when I'm home alone, overwhelmed by motherhood looking for an escape.
Patient conversations about how to prepare chicken soup or turnips or greens,
anything to make the loneliness fade away.

Need my mother who still without fail, tends to me her child,
reassuring me again and again, that her love for me began before she knew me,
and will continue, whether I always know myself or not.
I may be first mother to others, but always first child to her.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Baby oh baby

I'm not sure why I've been reluctant to talk about this pregnancy as much on the blog.  It sort of feels like my own little secret if I don't discuss it, a private part of my public life.  It's sort of silly since my belly now greets most people before I do, and at nearly 7 months pregnant, its not a secret to anyone who sees me in person that new life is on its way.  I suppose I've also been waiting for some eloquent and profound reflection that has never materialized.

This pregnancy feels a bit more scary for some reason.  I'm not sure it is, but I feel like it is none the less.  Writing makes it feel a little clearer.  I am sometimes convinced I haven't been a good enough mother to a child I haven't even given birth to yet.  Afraid every poor food choice, every missed prenatal vitamin, every failure to get out and exercise means future problems for a child, yet unborn.  All this in spite of blood tests, ultrasounds, now bi-weekly appointments that point to nothing but healthy development.

The fear may speak more to my general anxiety about what it will mean to be the mother of two children... the self-doubt I have, despite thinking of myself as a competent person in most regards.  I know there's not much good that comes from fretting, worrying, being fearful.  I've sat through enough Sunday school lessons, and uncomfortable conversations where people lecture me on how fear is of the devil, bad for your health, and everything in between.

My goal is to be less fearful, to just take one day at a time doing my best to be productive and healthy.  I thought I was more successful than not, but then I finished this post, so now I'm not so sure, given one of my biggest fears still remains... that all of my worrying will worry something bad into existence.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


And sometimes its hard for my mind to quiet itself enough to rest.
The endless list of tasks, those accomplished and those left for another time, 
cycle through my mind.
I mustn't forget this tomorrow.
If only I could get to sleep, I could get up early and accomplish that tomorrow.

At our prenatal classes a couple of years ago, the instructor gave us little cardboard placards that read:
"Fatigue makes everything worse."  
I try not to forget that...

Monday, March 25, 2013

Leaning In

I watched an interview with Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer at facebook.  She had some good advice, my favorites include (these are very close paraphases):

1) One of the biggest career decisions you'll make is who your life partner is (should you choose to have one). - -  We should tell little girls that, while spinning tales of happily ever after.  Everyone doesn't want or need a 50-50 partner, but some of us....need it like water. 

2) When the opportunity presents itself, always sit at the table. - - I wish I had this explicit thought before now, but its something I've generally tried to do, and hopefully I'll have many more tables to take a seat at in the future.

3) What would you do if you weren't afraid? - - For one, I'd likely have not only taken a seat at the table, but spoken up more often too.  I'd do most things without so much thought regarding how others MIGHT mis-perceive my intentions.

I think I'll read Sandberg's book when I get a chance.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Doing things differently

And the truth is, I should have probably done a lot of things different today.
And accomplished more than I did.
But at the end of the day, what's done is done.
The long list of "I should haves" will mainly be inconsequential tomorrow.

Although, tonight impacts tomorrow.  As the later I go to bed the less sleep I risk getting.
Tomorrow is a new chance to live life a little more like I want to.
To play a game with the sweetest, brightest child I know.
To go for a walk, breathe in some fresh air.
Make muffins from scratch.

It's surprising sometimes, how much I reduce my days into uncompleted housekeeping tasks. 
I know there's more to life.
I know that my reality as a stay at home mother is hard work, even if many women do it all.

I sometimes wonder whether I'm just lazy.  Whether a more organized, responsible mother could get all I get done in half the time with self-assuredness to spare.  Other times I'm baffled by the fact that I can think of myself as lazy given that at the very least I try.

I suppose life is all about perspective.  I had a hard time writing this post, until I gave myself permission to not have done everything I wanted to today, including going to bed much earlier.  Not that I don't think its a good plan to get as much rest as possible, but the truth is, things will most likely be ok tomorrow, even if today ends on a different note than planned.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


So I was laying on the couch, with my arm raised above my head.  My daughter comes over, strokes the hair under my arm and says "oooh pretty".  I'm trying to hold onto to that memory and the smile it inspires.  Whenever I feel down or dowdy, my aim is to behold myself as she does, to her, my mere presence, just as I am, without any work at all is beautiful.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Before I forget...

So I may alter my goal to thirty posts in thirty days, trying very hard to make it daily, but giving myself a little more flexibility, because the goal is to get comfortable sharing again, which doesn't require a post with the words Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....etc., for thirty days, but rather me expressing some thought or another consistently.

Check out my friend's blog here who is on a similar journey, and join us if you'd like, in whatever fashion you so choose.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Put the cup down

I read something on a social media site recently that really resonated with me.  It was some story about some psychologist who does or doesn't exist who did or didn't present at some conference/workshop/etc.

The story is basically as follows:
Psychologist holds up a cup of water, and asks a question of the audience....
How much does the water weigh?  People answer 8oz, 20oz, etc.
Psychologist says it really doesn't matter, what matters is how long you have to hold it up.

An hour, maybe a little tired.
Several hours, numb and achy.
A day, basically paralyzed.

Moral of the story?  Worry/guilt/stress is like the glass full of water.  Worry/obsess over guilt/stress out for a couple minutes a day, your fine.  An hour or two starting to get achy/numb, all day, all but paralyzed.

The psychologists advice...put the cup down as early in the day as you can.

Today I tried to put the cup down, let go of the worry, stress, fear of inadequacy and just live.  I wasn't entirely successful, but I do feel better.  My goal is to not carry the cup until night time tomorrow, but to instead put it down early in the morning, and try to live the rest of the day as best as I can.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


Sometimes its hard for me to recognize progress. I can be rather all or nothing at times.  I think something I'll try to more consciously work on is appreciating the journey to success/completed goals.  It sounds rather cliche to me in some respects, but unpacking has taught me one thing, if nothing else, settling in takes time, and progress is progress, even if it sometimes doesn't feel that way.

Friday, March 15, 2013


So I'm going to try a thirty day blogging challenge.....wish me luck:-)

Day One:  Among my thoughts today....

I feel afraid to share my thoughts through blogging these days, which is sad.  I had a whole post, then deleted it, because I can't be sure who the audience will be.  This is extremely sad to me.  I thus feel like a bit of a coward.  Here's to exercising my voice tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


And sometimes I wonder will there always be oppression?

I wonder what about time, humanity, God leads us to a certain moment?

It is hard to understand fortune, good-luck, favor.

I believe God is, but I also believe we create God.  We shape and mold people, circumstances, events into God.

My extremely patient sister and I went to the graveyard my great-grandmother was buried in.  With her windshield scraper and our feet we moved snow to uncover names written on headstones that might have belonged to her.  Later my aunt said she had visited that same place, walked the area and had been unable to find the grave site either.  It was sad to her, a problem to be solved for me.

I suppose I just wonder today as much as any day, is there a such thing as justice?