Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Worth It

It's easy to understand working one job, even two to support my family as important and worthwhile. If I were in that position, and someone asked me if my child was worth all of the trouble, I imagine I'd give a resounding YES. My world was reoriented a little while ago though by a slightly different version of that question. As I talked with my husband about some of my anxieties about not working, he asked is my daughter worth it.

What an amazing question. It spoke to my fundamental understanding of what it means to be a mother. My mother HAD to work one, two, sometimes three jobs to support us. She emphasized education, so that we could take care of ourselves and our families when the time came. My understanding of what it means to be a mother means working as hard and as often as you have to in order to support your family. She would have done anything for my sister and I. Now I find myself asking, am I willing to do ANYTHING for my child. Am I willing to not earn an income, to suppress my achievement oriented personality, to press pause on my career plan/aspirations for my sweet baby girl?

I'm not sure how healthy a self-suppressing motherhood can be, but I am sure that being a parent is about taking on the responsibility of raising a child the best way you can.

So I say YES she is worth it, and I try to figure out how to make that decision work for her and me.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Yesterday I decided to be more disciplined, to stop "trying" to do better and to just do better. To do what I say I'm going to do. I also decided that process starts with a prayer, with asking God to help me do those things, to remind me when I forget why I've decided to change in the first place.

Developing discipline is no easy challenge for me. I am still thinking about the chocolate peanut-butter milkshake I turned down earlier today, but I have faith that it will get easier.