Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Coloring Outside the Lines

Maybe its because I'm an oldest child, coming from a long line of oldest children (or oldest girl children at the very least), but its hard for me to color outside the lines. My sister pulled out a coloring book and crayons and as I sat trying to color in a picture, I neatly traced the outline of the figures, then carefully colored in the various pictures/shapes/etc. At some point, I thought to myself, why do I feel the need to trace the figure before I color it in, why don't I just color and see where it takes me. I dared myself to color outside the lines, but I couldn't do it. I literally couldn't color outside of the lines in a coloring book, which raises many questions for me about how I can or can't color outside of the lines in a more figurative sense.

As is natural I'm sure, with about two and a half weeks left until our baby is due, questions about motherhood swirl in my brain constantly. At the same time, questions of when and how to pursue a Ph.D. also swirls. I wonder if I want to pursue that degree for the sole purpose of coloring within the lines of some predefined definition of who I am, or if its something I really want. I'm unclear. If its a definition that I've imposed upon myself, can't I just redefine? If its deeper than that, how do I figure out what the root cause is?

Revolutionaries don't color inside the lines. People who actually make a difference, impact other people's lives don't do so by coloring within the lines. Does that mean that I'll have a hard time being consequential? I suppose that's maybe what it all boils down to....

As I finish this post the wind is swirling outside my window, its still dark, early in the morning. The wind doesn't try to be consequential, but is nevertheless. I suppose a fear is that some people are born with the gifts to make a difference, and some other people, no matter how hard they try, aren't.

2 comments:

Lyds said...

The way you write allows people to 'feel' you...it's lovely gal. Absolutely lovely. I am in awe of your intraspective abilities if that makes sense. I am not sure if you meant to, but you absolutely are making me dig deeper on what the root cause of a lot of things I desire are...deep girly. Deep. Love ya for it...

Tony Dan said...

Hmmm, maybe there is some correlation between being an oldest child and/or of a lineage of oldest girl children. The metaphor of coloring book tracing and self identity is interesting as well. I have another question for you to ponder. As revolutionaries don't color inside the lines, making a difference is not limited by lines nor is the impacting of others peoples lives...do they create figures that can be traced? And if they can be traced is it revolutionary to trace thier figures or go outside of their lines and create our own??