Friday, May 27, 2011

Imperfect Me

Most of the food my baby gets is baby formula. Despite two different types of medication, fenugreek and blessed thistle (two herbs), my family doctor, a breastfeeding specialist, two public health nurses, an acupunctorist, and pumping, I still can't exclusively breastfeed my baby. I don't even get close in fact. Breast is best and my best isn't good enough... or so I told myself for a while.

Despite what feels like a monumental failure of epic proportions, my baby is still growing. She is still happy and healthy. I still offer her what little I have and she gets what she can. I've decided that this may be a life lesson, an opportunity for me to grow. The chance to understand that I may not be able to give her the best of everything, but she'll still be ok. The opportunity to learn how to persevere as a mother despite my imperfections. Something altogether different? I don't know.

My girl is a happy healthy human being and I couldn't ask for more


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Time for Tina

Every night I seem to run out of time fore myself.  Every night tiredness seems to creep up on me before I've even thought of beginning my night time routine.

Change is hard.  My desire is to live differently, to not feel so tired at the end of every day.

Monday, May 16, 2011


I took this picture on a trip to Lake Geneva with my husband. I was having a hard time finding the words I wanted to share today, so I chose a picture instead.

Sometimes I feel distracted by the reflections I see of myself. The real life version of me is three dimensional, full of complexity and nuance. Yet I get caught up in what I think I see reflected back to me when I take hurried assessments of me. I remain so much more than what I perceive as reflections of myself (e.g. the state of our cluttered apartment).

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Regaining Courage

A friend mentioned to me a piece of wisdom that her mother shared with her and now I'll pass it on....

Over the course of motherhood you have to get your courage back. That sentiment has been especially important to me as I've struggled through the first couple of months of motherhood. Worrying all the time, feeling guilty and inadequate. In many ways, each day is about regaining my courage to face the world as the competent, capable person I thought myself to be (before the test of motherhood).

A second gem came through a story:

A woman with four or five kids playing in a park sat peacefully and calmly on a bench. When questioned about her serene state in the midst of minding after her children, she said: "I used to worry all the time, and then one day I met God."

My friend took from this story we do the best we can and then we let God do the rest. Wow, why didn't I get that having known God for a while now? I think I'm finally starting to get it now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I am ever-grateful for my sweet baby girl.

On Mother's Day a friend wrote about how grateful he was for his mother who raised a family, worked full-time, and still maintained a sense of self. His words were "and still made space for her own individuality".

I hope that one day my child feels the same. Sometimes I'm so afraid to fail my child as a mother. She is the most beautiful, precious person I know, and I want her to grow up to be the self-confident, brilliant young woman I know she can be.

It's strange how "traditional" ideals of what a woman should be manifest themselves in my proudly feminist life. I at once couldn't imagine handing over the care of my most precious gift to someone else, so that I might go work. On the other hand I long to contribute my thoughts and ideas to the world through work. I'm unsure how this dichotomy will resolve itself in the future, but I am hopeful that it will be resolved through thought and prayer.