Its paradoxical to me at times. I feel like I love church folk, more than I love the church, which is different than many who will tell you quite frankly how they love the church, but can't be bothered with church folk. God as I know God has worked through the church, bringing many many women (for the most part) into my life to encourage me, help me find purpose when I felt lost in the world or disheartened.
But then there are things that I find hard to believe. How can I believe in Jesus without believing everything the Bible offers as the true uncorrupted word of God? How can I accept certain church traditions, and reject others? How can I believe in justice and in texts that seem to validate the existence of slavery, the silencing of women, or the favoring of certain people over others for no other reason than personal prerogative.
Sometimes I can't bring myself to go to church. Sometimes I feel the urge, and at the very least am happy to receive the love that always flows from those church folk I cherish so much. I suppose its possible I'm wracking my brain for an answer that can only be found in my heart.
My truth though is that wherever I end up, I want to arrive there not as a result of fear. I have the hardest time relating to the jealous God, the fear of the Lord rhetoric. Those concepts seem so human to me, and similar to narratives surrounding greek gods and the like. It would seem to me that "God is" (not needing our praise or acknowledgement, never jealous, not ruling by fear of condemnation or death, rather meeting people where they are, providing solace for the weary, and encouragement for the strong to carry out love in action).
I may be all wrong or sharing too much publicly, but these things... I believe (right now at least :-)).