And Then....

I breathed, and tried to imagine what a good life is to me.
It's hard to separate what I think, from what others suggest or think.
It's hard to know if incorporating new information is any better than working from my reserves.
Where does happiness fit in?
What about pain, discomfort, or struggle?
Sometimes when the night winds down and I feel weighed down by whatever, I think to myself will tomorrow end just the same.  Will it really take as much extra as it feels like now when I barely have enough to make it to the next significant task?

I have a good life, a great one even, and I try to remember that, but this life isn't easy, it isn't free of frustration or fear.  It's complicated.

I like to imagine myself a good person, trying to live a good life, and then I wonder what that truly means... its still unclear.  Am I just lazy is a question that swims in my mind over and over again..

Uncertain

And occasionally I'm uncomfortable with the silence.

I've learned to not jump to conclusions so fast (sometimes),

but I wonder whether sharing my truth is enough,

 fulfilling in its own right.

Is it an exercise in courage, or just distraction from some other 

more significant task.

Ethics of knowledge part 1

So...

I have an ethical quandary of sorts.  I was introduced to a website that offers free ebooks.  Its not a file sharing website.   You don't have to register or download anything if you don't download more than 10 books a day.  All websites have the ability to track your ip address, so its not like you are anonymous, but its also not like there is a single account that all of your activity is stored under (as far as I can tell).

Anywho, I don't feel as troubled downloading popular, wealthy author A's book, but I feel a bit bad downloading academic author B's book, or small author C's book.  It's true for at least 90+% of the titles, I would either just never read the book or get it from the library and maybe read part of it before running out of time or incurring fines and returning the book unfinished.  I would think most authors want their books read, but they also have life expenses like anyone else.

I go back and forth about whether its wrong or right to use the site.  Wrong sometimes, ok other times.  I was young in the file sharing hay day, but now I find myself conflicted.  Knowledge should be as accessible as possible right, but what about quality fiction, what about specialized info that's hard to gather or wildly expensive?

Any authors out there care to weigh in?    

Needing Women

And motherhood feels at once timeless,
And brand-new everyday.
A well-practiced art, impossible to prepare for...
since you don't know your child 'til you know hir.
And despite lessons learned through example or lack thereof,
I find I still need women.

Need my grandmother who skypes with me during the day,
when I'm home alone, overwhelmed by motherhood looking for an escape.
Patient conversations about how to prepare chicken soup or turnips or greens,
anything to make the loneliness fade away.

Need my mother who still without fail, tends to me her child,
reassuring me again and again, that her love for me began before she knew me,
and will continue, whether I always know myself or not.
I may be first mother to others, but always first child to her.

Baby oh baby

I'm not sure why I've been reluctant to talk about this pregnancy as much on the blog.  It sort of feels like my own little secret if I don't discuss it, a private part of my public life.  It's sort of silly since my belly now greets most people before I do, and at nearly 7 months pregnant, its not a secret to anyone who sees me in person that new life is on its way.  I suppose I've also been waiting for some eloquent and profound reflection that has never materialized.

This pregnancy feels a bit more scary for some reason.  I'm not sure it is, but I feel like it is none the less.  Writing makes it feel a little clearer.  I am sometimes convinced I haven't been a good enough mother to a child I haven't even given birth to yet.  Afraid every poor food choice, every missed prenatal vitamin, every failure to get out and exercise means future problems for a child, yet unborn.  All this in spite of blood tests, ultrasounds, now bi-weekly appointments that point to nothing but healthy development.

The fear may speak more to my general anxiety about what it will mean to be the mother of two children... the self-doubt I have, despite thinking of myself as a competent person in most regards.  I know there's not much good that comes from fretting, worrying, being fearful.  I've sat through enough Sunday school lessons, and uncomfortable conversations where people lecture me on how fear is of the devil, bad for your health, and everything in between.

My goal is to be less fearful, to just take one day at a time doing my best to be productive and healthy.  I thought I was more successful than not, but then I finished this post, so now I'm not so sure, given one of my biggest fears still remains... that all of my worrying will worry something bad into existence.

Rest

And sometimes its hard for my mind to quiet itself enough to rest.

The endless list of tasks, those accomplished and those left for another time, 

cycle through my mind.

I mustn't forget this tomorrow.

If only I could get to sleep, I could get up early and accomplish that tomorrow.

At our prenatal classes a couple of years ago, the instructor gave us little cardboard placards that read:

"Fatigue makes everything worse."  

I try not to forget that...

Leaning In

I watched an interview with Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer at facebook.  She had some good advice, my favorites include (these are very close paraphases):

1) One of the biggest career decisions you'll make is who your life partner is (should you choose to have one). - -  We should tell little girls that, while spinning tales of happily ever after.  Everyone doesn't want or need a 50-50 partner, but some of us....need it like water. 

2) When the opportunity presents itself, always sit at the table. - - I wish I had this explicit thought before now, but its something I've generally tried to do, and hopefully I'll have many more tables to take a seat at in the future.

3) What would you do if you weren't afraid? - - For one, I'd likely have not only taken a seat at the table, but spoken up more often too.  I'd do most things without so much thought regarding how others MIGHT mis-perceive my intentions.

I think I'll read Sandberg's book when I get a chance.

Doing things differently

And the truth is, I should have probably done a lot of things different today.

And accomplished more than I did.

But at the end of the day, what's done is done.

The long list of "I should haves" will mainly be inconsequential tomorrow.

Although, tonight impacts tomorrow.  As the later I go to bed the less sleep I risk getting.

Tomorrow is a new chance to live life a little more like I want to.

To play a game with the sweetest, brightest child I know.

To go for a walk, breathe in some fresh air.

Make muffins from scratch.

It's surprising sometimes, how much I reduce my days into uncompleted housekeeping tasks. 

I know there's more to life.

I know that my reality as a stay at home mother is hard work, even if many women do it all.

I sometimes wonder whether I'm just lazy.  Whether a more organized, responsible mother could get all I get done in half the time with self-assuredness to spare.  Other times I'm baffled by the fact that I can think of myself as lazy given that at the very least I try.

I suppose life is all about perspective.  I had a hard time writing this post, until I gave myself permission to not have done everything I wanted to today, including going to bed much earlier.  Not that I don't think its a good plan to get as much rest as possible, but the truth is, things will most likely be ok tomorrow, even if today ends on a different note than planned.

Pretty

So I was laying on the couch, with my arm raised above my head.  My daughter comes over, strokes the hair under my arm and says "oooh pretty".  I'm trying to hold onto to that memory and the smile it inspires.  Whenever I feel down or dowdy, my aim is to behold myself as she does, to her, my mere presence, just as I am, without any work at all is beautiful.

Before I forget...

So I may alter my goal to thirty posts in thirty days, trying very hard to make it daily, but giving myself a little more flexibility, because the goal is to get comfortable sharing again, which doesn't require a post with the words Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....etc., for thirty days, but rather me expressing some thought or another consistently.

Check out my friend's blog here who is on a similar journey, and join us if you'd like, in whatever fashion you so choose.

Put the cup down

I read something on a social media site recently that really resonated with me.  It was some story about some psychologist who does or doesn't exist who did or didn't present at some conference/workshop/etc.

The story is basically as follows:
Psychologist holds up a cup of water, and asks a question of the audience....
How much does the water weigh?  People answer 8oz, 20oz, etc.
Psychologist says it really doesn't matter, what matters is how long you have to hold it up.

An hour, maybe a little tired.
Several hours, numb and achy.
A day, basically paralyzed.

Moral of the story?  Worry/guilt/stress is like the glass full of water.  Worry/obsess over guilt/stress out for a couple minutes a day, your fine.  An hour or two starting to get achy/numb, all day, all but paralyzed.

The psychologists advice...put the cup down as early in the day as you can.

Today I tried to put the cup down, let go of the worry, stress, fear of inadequacy and just live.  I wasn't entirely successful, but I do feel better.  My goal is to not carry the cup until night time tomorrow, but to instead put it down early in the morning, and try to live the rest of the day as best as I can.

Progress

Sometimes its hard for me to recognize progress. I can be rather all or nothing at times.  I think something I'll try to more consciously work on is appreciating the journey to success/completed goals.  It sounds rather cliche to me in some respects, but unpacking has taught me one thing, if nothing else, settling in takes time, and progress is progress, even if it sometimes doesn't feel that way.

Thirty

So I'm going to try a thirty day blogging challenge.....wish me luck:-)

Day One:  Among my thoughts today....

I feel afraid to share my thoughts through blogging these days, which is sad.  I had a whole post, then deleted it, because I can't be sure who the audience will be.  This is extremely sad to me.  I thus feel like a bit of a coward.  Here's to exercising my voice tomorrow.