Reflections

And if we see our lives taking place in the reflections of our parent's lives,
played out in actions projected against the still images of who we construct them to be,
then I wonder how our children will see us.

They say when you marry, you don't just marry an individual,
but instead you marry the person complete with all of the people who raised and shaped them.
If true, then maybe the still images contain not just our parents,
but a lineage of people stretching back as far as our family history can take us
(Pictures, within pictures, poses varied, but somehow still the same -
couples and families, at times faking a grin).

How is it that we make sense of the movement of our lives
taking place in an extra vivid dimension.
Moving pictures with sound bouncing off  the glass of frames containing black and white images?

Stream of Consciousness

Inspired by Shanna...a stream of consciousness post....I'm gonna limit it to two minutes...starting now....

Ok, I wrote starting now before the clock actually changed to the minute I wanted to starting writing at and then I felt the need to state that, even though no one would have cared or known that I didn't actually write for exactly two minutes.  I'm a bit distracted by my husband who is talking on the phone, and now I'm having a hard time not editing as I go.  I like punctuation, I think my keyboard instructor Sister Marie (I think) did a very good job of instilling the desire in us to type with our hands on the "right" keys and for some reason the two: typing with your hands on the "right" keys and using appropriate punctuation are tied together in my mind.  It's hard for me to write exactly as I speak.  I'm not sure what my voice sounds like, which is funny because I wanted to write a longer piece on voice, but felt like I didn't have the time.  Although I may include that aspect, wondering what my written voice sounds like on this blog.  If read by different actresses without knowledge of who I actually am, who might others imagine me to be?  Clearly a mother, but what else, who else, of what background, nationality, living where?  I have surpassed my two minutes by three minutes, and I'm not sure I did the exercise properly because I feel like there were one or two things that I thought, but didn't write, that I have now forgotten, but I think stream of consciousness is fun, and I'll certainly do it again.

Identity

And I am Black and woman.

Daughter and Mother.

Friend and lover.

The fierce quip and the quiet consolation.

Life flowing into and pushing out of me.

I stand sometimes wondering what will become of...

Me.

I spend a lot of time thinking

Starting Over

On my birthday I started a 365 day photo project.  On Feb. 5th (the very next day), I did not take a picture before midnight!  This was devastating to me.  I had been so frustrated with myself for not starting the project on the 1st of January.  Then I thought to capture a year in the life of my baby girl, so I planned to start on her birthday (that didn't work out either).  Finally I decided to start on my birthday.

In the days leading up to it, I anticipated the process, made sure the camera was ready, joyfully started the project on the forth.  Then sadly scrambled for an out when I awoke in the early morning hours of the 6th after a late nap having not taken a picture on the 5th.  This lapse caused me great inner turmoil.  I talked with my husband, theorized that since I hadn't gone to bed for the evening, then technically it was still the same day for me (does the time stamp on a photo really matter that much?).  He looked at me and said, "why don't you just start over?  Whenever you miss a day just start over and eventually you'll make it a whole year."

My mind was officially blown.  Why hadn't I even considered the possibility of starting over?  I had invested so much energy into planning a perfect project, that I forgot the real goal, to spend a year doing something that I enjoy doing everyday.

I'm trying to carry that lesson forward.  There are so many areas in my life where permitting myself to just start anew, without judgement, without condemnation, in simple pursuit of a goal I set for myself may mean all the difference.  Since the 6th, I've had to restart once more, this time while disappointing, I was able to dust myself off and hop back on the horse much easier.  As I try to live a healthier life, exercise more regularly, progress with immigration related stuff, actually implement some of my community oriented goals I give myself permission to start over, start again when necessary without staying weighed down by regret, instead turning my attention toward a renewed commitment to achieve my goals.

Rut

I'm in a faith rut.  I'm finding it hard to understand and communicate with God.  Sometimes I feel so distant and the Bible seems like an imperfect manual at best.  How do I hold on to my relationship with God when I'm so often confronted by philosophies that compete with my understanding of justice (in the Bible).  My issue currently is not belief in God, I'm sure God loves me, because that's what God does, loves us beyond our comprehension, all of us, saints and sinners alike.  Although I struggle, I believe God is with me, but it's hard. I can't explain it adequately, I consider regularly the possibility that some things are God's prerogative and I'll never understand, but I hope to understand enough to never lose faith completely.  I hope to understand enough to raise my child to know God and seek a relationship with God for herself, whether more or less strong than my own.  I suppose I'm a bit envious of people I know who seem to have lots of faith, few questions (about the Bible or God), and much more peace about the direction they are heading in life.  As much as I believe.... I'll be honest and say that occasionally I wonder whether I am trying too hard to hang on to a cultural relic of my childhood/culture, rather than a firm object of my adulthood.  My hope is that I'm right that God won't abandon me for periods of a lack of faith, but I don't want to push myself over a cliff of unbelief that I can't find my way back up.

Thoughts?
 

To do project #563: the Women's Writing Well

I'd like to start a writing group at the local high school called the Women's Writing Well.  In my imagination the students have  blogs and notebooks.  Personal and public writing spaces.  We would meet twice a week, one day would be a reading day (reading other people's and each other's blogs, reading portions of whatever book we are reading that month as a group), the second a writing day (each month focusing on a different skill or theme).  It'd theoretically be related to/connecting with the curriculum during the day.  The students would produce a quarterly WWW newsletter, maybe even a community blog.  They'd learn how to make clear concise arguments, get practice doing research, making outlines, writing in a judge free zone.  We'd have speakers: journalists, novelists, poets, professors, Communications managers, lots and lots of women who write.  We'd tackle issues of gender, race, class.  It'd be a place for women, especially those who lack confidence as writers to gain inspiration and nourishment from the well, and a space for them to learn to write well.

Much more thought to be given to it, but I think it may go on my upcoming list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.  Today is my 29th birthday:-)

Better

Sometimes good enough just doesn't seem.....GOOD enough

Sometimes despite knowing better....I don't really DO better

Sometimes I'm so critical of myself that I get STUCK....

         stuck on my imperfections

         stuck in my movement forward

         stuck with old habits I'd like to change.

Happily there is self-reflection.

Gratefully there is forgiveness.

Shockingly there is yet another, and another, and another chance for me to do better.

I am thankful for grace given freely to all.