Friday, March 23, 2012


Amid a pile of dishes I lost my voice.  Silent, stunned, overwhelmed by duties that have somehow come to define me.  I wonder in my head, and sometimes aloud to my husband, whether its possible to lose smartness, without practice you lose things right?  Without other people to exchange ideas with (about the things you are most passionate about) you miss out on something....something I'm having a hard time defining right now, but something. 

Amid thoughts of inadequacy I try to remember that my failures and fears aren't all that matter.  The skipping record does not have to stay stuck on fat and awkward.  Sometimes what I write is very guarded, there is a part of me that fears my thoughts will one day be used against me, evidence that as a flawed, vulnerable woman I not worthy to lead (....lead what, or who I'm not entirely sure, but being a leader is something I'm interested in).  I am often encouraged through other people's blogs, their trials and triumphs, admiring their honesty.  I suppose it takes courage to share.  Courage I'd like to cultivate.


Anonymous said...

All I keep thinking is how courageously, I feel you write! I also think you should us blotting as an outlet to keep hour "smarneas" when verbal conversation is restricted. I think you should use this as an outlet and not worry about others 'courageous' just write! Your story is so valued and so powerful..share on, but only what you choose. ;) LYDS

Lill said...

Agree ^^. There is so much insight, beauty, and strength in your written voice.

I think we all spend too much time living under the influences of our inner doubts and insecurities. In my own case, I am hyper-concerned about making the "right" decisions. I am constantly second guessing and thinking of all- inclusive alternatives (why choose? just do it all...), because I also fear missing out. Committing to a choice may come at the cost of other things important to me. So, I have to remind myself that life is very fluid and that current realities, feelings and perceptions will change. But no matter what I have to have faith that no matter what I choose, God will make sure I am exactly where I need to be (insecurities and all).

I'm totally rambling...My real point: It takes so much courage- and frankly- skill to share your personal angst and triumphs in the way that you do. Your voice is genuine, contemplative, and beautifully human. ;)

Anonymous said...

This post brings tears to my eyes. I stumbled across your blog and just wanted to thank you for being so honest and open about your process. That is all.