And Then....

I breathed, and tried to imagine what a good life is to me.
It's hard to separate what I think, from what others suggest or think.
It's hard to know if incorporating new information is any better than working from my reserves.
Where does happiness fit in?
What about pain, discomfort, or struggle?
Sometimes when the night winds down and I feel weighed down by whatever, I think to myself will tomorrow end just the same.  Will it really take as much extra as it feels like now when I barely have enough to make it to the next significant task?

I have a good life, a great one even, and I try to remember that, but this life isn't easy, it isn't free of frustration or fear.  It's complicated.

I like to imagine myself a good person, trying to live a good life, and then I wonder what that truly means... its still unclear.  Am I just lazy is a question that swims in my mind over and over again..

Uncertain

And occasionally I'm uncomfortable with the silence.

I've learned to not jump to conclusions so fast (sometimes),

but I wonder whether sharing my truth is enough,

 fulfilling in its own right.

Is it an exercise in courage, or just distraction from some other 

more significant task.

Ethics of knowledge part 1

So...

I have an ethical quandary of sorts.  I was introduced to a website that offers free ebooks.  Its not a file sharing website.   You don't have to register or download anything if you don't download more than 10 books a day.  All websites have the ability to track your ip address, so its not like you are anonymous, but its also not like there is a single account that all of your activity is stored under (as far as I can tell).

Anywho, I don't feel as troubled downloading popular, wealthy author A's book, but I feel a bit bad downloading academic author B's book, or small author C's book.  It's true for at least 90+% of the titles, I would either just never read the book or get it from the library and maybe read part of it before running out of time or incurring fines and returning the book unfinished.  I would think most authors want their books read, but they also have life expenses like anyone else.

I go back and forth about whether its wrong or right to use the site.  Wrong sometimes, ok other times.  I was young in the file sharing hay day, but now I find myself conflicted.  Knowledge should be as accessible as possible right, but what about quality fiction, what about specialized info that's hard to gather or wildly expensive?

Any authors out there care to weigh in?    

Needing Women

And motherhood feels at once timeless,
And brand-new everyday.
A well-practiced art, impossible to prepare for...
since you don't know your child 'til you know hir.
And despite lessons learned through example or lack thereof,
I find I still need women.

Need my grandmother who skypes with me during the day,
when I'm home alone, overwhelmed by motherhood looking for an escape.
Patient conversations about how to prepare chicken soup or turnips or greens,
anything to make the loneliness fade away.

Need my mother who still without fail, tends to me her child,
reassuring me again and again, that her love for me began before she knew me,
and will continue, whether I always know myself or not.
I may be first mother to others, but always first child to her.

Baby oh baby

I'm not sure why I've been reluctant to talk about this pregnancy as much on the blog.  It sort of feels like my own little secret if I don't discuss it, a private part of my public life.  It's sort of silly since my belly now greets most people before I do, and at nearly 7 months pregnant, its not a secret to anyone who sees me in person that new life is on its way.  I suppose I've also been waiting for some eloquent and profound reflection that has never materialized.

This pregnancy feels a bit more scary for some reason.  I'm not sure it is, but I feel like it is none the less.  Writing makes it feel a little clearer.  I am sometimes convinced I haven't been a good enough mother to a child I haven't even given birth to yet.  Afraid every poor food choice, every missed prenatal vitamin, every failure to get out and exercise means future problems for a child, yet unborn.  All this in spite of blood tests, ultrasounds, now bi-weekly appointments that point to nothing but healthy development.

The fear may speak more to my general anxiety about what it will mean to be the mother of two children... the self-doubt I have, despite thinking of myself as a competent person in most regards.  I know there's not much good that comes from fretting, worrying, being fearful.  I've sat through enough Sunday school lessons, and uncomfortable conversations where people lecture me on how fear is of the devil, bad for your health, and everything in between.

My goal is to be less fearful, to just take one day at a time doing my best to be productive and healthy.  I thought I was more successful than not, but then I finished this post, so now I'm not so sure, given one of my biggest fears still remains... that all of my worrying will worry something bad into existence.

Rest

And sometimes its hard for my mind to quiet itself enough to rest.

The endless list of tasks, those accomplished and those left for another time, 

cycle through my mind.

I mustn't forget this tomorrow.

If only I could get to sleep, I could get up early and accomplish that tomorrow.

At our prenatal classes a couple of years ago, the instructor gave us little cardboard placards that read:

"Fatigue makes everything worse."  

I try not to forget that...

Leaning In

I watched an interview with Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer at facebook.  She had some good advice, my favorites include (these are very close paraphases):

1) One of the biggest career decisions you'll make is who your life partner is (should you choose to have one). - -  We should tell little girls that, while spinning tales of happily ever after.  Everyone doesn't want or need a 50-50 partner, but some of us....need it like water. 

2) When the opportunity presents itself, always sit at the table. - - I wish I had this explicit thought before now, but its something I've generally tried to do, and hopefully I'll have many more tables to take a seat at in the future.

3) What would you do if you weren't afraid? - - For one, I'd likely have not only taken a seat at the table, but spoken up more often too.  I'd do most things without so much thought regarding how others MIGHT mis-perceive my intentions.

I think I'll read Sandberg's book when I get a chance.