Fixation

Sometimes my thoughts really are like a broken record, the same messed up line playing over and over again in my head. Lifting the needle off of the record and putting on a new song is always so much easier said than done. Maybe in time I'll figure out how to either shut it off or tune out the relentless beat.

Consistent

So it's been 50 years since I updated, I know. I was visiting home and didn't have consistent internet access. I'm still visiting family, so I probably won't update much, but I have been thinking about some things. Consistency among the most important. Setting realistic goals and organizing my space and time in a way that supports productivity is certainly a new focus. My goal is to be consistently productive, consistent with self-care, and consistently reflective of my goals, accomplishments, and set setbacks. My hope is that in being more consistent in my efforts to be better, I'll make the changes I've been intending to make.

Finding my voice

Sometimes I get lost on the way to my voice.  I see it from a short distance off, but as I approach, what was once a battle cry turns to a whisper and I am left standing, perplexed, unsure how to proceed.  I arrive at myself, back from a long journey meant to unveil me to I and I search.  I remember the brilliant mind I thought my own, and I close my eyes, ready to speak, ready to release, set myself free.  Then I awake from the fantasy, just in time to realize that the world has shifted, my voice is now elsewhere.  My opportunity to embrace it, to share it, to encourage it, to be unafraid has passed on from a particular place.  At times when I speak, I'm too careful, too anxious to get my thoughts expressed, too needing of time to think.

I'm looking for my voice, I find it daily, but sometimes not quickly enough (for my tastes).

Reparations on my soul

Gill Scott Heron had me thinking this evening about being Black in North America.  He raises a good question, who will pay reparations on my soul, on the soul of millions of Black people sold into slavery, on the souls of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Black men and women trapped inside the prison industrial complex, on the souls of children lied to, told they are inferior, undereducated and then confronted by hostile job markets, on the souls of every Black person asked to repeatedly prove racism still exists, even as they wake to face it each day.  Who pays the reparations, which can be no less than a healing peace (from what I can tell).  

Jesus through incomprehensible love?

Ourselves through persistent self-love and self-care?

Others through kindness and compassion?

Who?

....and if not a healing peace, what are adequate reparations for one's soul?

Making

Making things...

Making things happen...

Making moves...

Making sure I don't lose sight of the important people in my life...

Loving the life I have to live

Only Human Afterall

Sometimes I feel the need to be "on" all the time.  I forget a simple truth that I try to remind my friends and family of whenever they are confronting a challenge.  You, I, we are not alone in our struggles.  Someone, somewhere is likely feeling, thinking, doing something similar.  I am not the only procrastinator, you are not the only one to have let someone else down, we are more than our greatest weaknesses.  You, I, we are only human afterall.  

In the spirit of remembering that I don't need to be superwoman to be a loving productive member of my community, even with all my flaws.   

Faith

I've been struggling with faith recently.  In the spirit of being honest and true, I've decided to write about it here, because as much as I write to share my thoughts with others, I also write to explore and document my thoughts for myself.  I'll be upfront though and say that its frightening because I'm sure there will be readers, most of whom I know, love, and respect who may be saddened or offended by what I say.

I wonder sometimes if I can be a Christian and not believe in hell.  I'm not sure anything happens after we die.  To the extent that I do believe something happens, it falls into what I call the great mist theory.  In short our essence sort of dissolves and hovers over the earth, sometimes congealing with the essence of others to do good (or evil).  Its maybe a combination of believing that our ancestors look out for us and believing in angels.  In my current afterlife thoughts God allows us to continue existing, but doesn't reward or punish us.

I believe we were created for a purpose (we're each unique for a reason), that God is that creator, that Jesus is God in human form, that we should follow God's lead for our lives, but I don't think I can believe everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell.  My God is a loving God who wants us to love God and others.  Eternal damnation just doesn't fit in the picture for me.

I know it doesn't seem right to pick and choose what you want from the Bible or any religious text, so I read on, I pray, I try to think through what I believe, but its hard.  I end up back at a question that I wrestle with often:

Do you have to believe everyone needs to be redeemed to believe in a redemptive God?

Your thoughts????? (believers and non-believers in Christianity alike)