Sisterhood

As I've tried to figure out how I'll balance my desire to be involved in the community with my desire to stay at home with my babes until she starts school, it's occurred to me more and more how important sisterhood is in raising children.  I am privileged enough to have a loving, supportive partner who shares life and parenting with me, but sisterhood still has its place, a place that my husband can't occupy, a space that is constructed by the very essence of what it means to mother.

My women friends whether mothers or not, whether married or not, whether working or not, all help make my path less lonely and less difficult.  It's hard to describe what its like to be a woman.  I am aware that gender identity, like race is socially constructed in many ways, but that doesn't make it less real.  That fact does not render the strength that comes from engaging in sisterhood void.

I've decided to try to be better at sisterhood.  To do my part to support the women I know, especially the mothers, because I know that without the women in my life, I'd be lost.

Challenges

A friend of mine and I challenged ourselves to not eat fast food for 21 days.  Our primary motivation was health reasons, but in these 21 days I think I've gained a lot more from the challenge than I had initially thought I would.  Below is a picture of a meal I made, one night that I really, and I do mean REALLY wanted to order a pizza and call it a day.

Mexican Millet and Sauteed Veggies w/tomato on the side!

Cooking is not one of my favorite activities.  My husband never cooks, and it quite honestly intimidates me to think that I'll have the responsibility of feeding us for the next fifty, sixty, however many years.  The internet is helpful, I got the recipe from here.  

It has been empowering to not rely on overprocessed foods from who knows where.  The summer means an abundance of local vegetables, and staples can be bought in bulk and stored for long periods of time resulting in what turned out to be a fantastic dinner.

I think my next challenge will be a bit shorter.  I'll start with 10 days of no processed food.  Wish me luck!

Operating in Truth

Sometime close to when my husband and I first started dating, we instituted the honesty movement.  It was basically an attempt to avoid even polite lies.  No longer were we to hide our opinions about things (if asked), no longer were we to mask our intentions or tell lies of any sort.  It was a fun, but sometimes hard challenge for a new couple.  Over time a formal honesty movement subsided and became a "remember way back when" story for a couple of six years and counting.  

From time to time I think about that movement.  I consider reinstituting it with everyone I know.  What seems hard is finding the balance between the desire to share my thoughts and opinions about things with the rights of everyone else to not be subject to my every fleeting thought or emotion.  Just because something is true, doesn't mean it must be shared, right?  Our previous movement was an understanding, that both of us entered into valuing honesty above politeness (and other things).  

Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what I want to say here because I feel mediated by that conflict.  Will anyone even hear what I have to say if my truth doesn't fit their values or worldview.  Do people care to hear my truth?  

Plainly said, I have a blog because I want to be heard.  My intention is always to be honest, and I've written and re-written posts to that end.  Sometimes I've edited myself though, and my goal is to stop doing that.  I am as complex as God made me and that should be reflected here.  

I updated my blog with a new blogger look, and I plan to blog now (more frequently) with a new attitude, one that is more honest and unafraid.

Worth It

It's easy to understand working one job, even two to support my family as important and worthwhile. If I were in that position, and someone asked me if my child was worth all of the trouble, I imagine I'd give a resounding YES. My world was reoriented a little while ago though by a slightly different version of that question. As I talked with my husband about some of my anxieties about not working, he asked is my daughter worth it.

What an amazing question. It spoke to my fundamental understanding of what it means to be a mother. My mother HAD to work one, two, sometimes three jobs to support us. She emphasized education, so that we could take care of ourselves and our families when the time came. My understanding of what it means to be a mother means working as hard and as often as you have to in order to support your family. She would have done anything for my sister and I. Now I find myself asking, am I willing to do ANYTHING for my child. Am I willing to not earn an income, to suppress my achievement oriented personality, to press pause on my career plan/aspirations for my sweet baby girl?

I'm not sure how healthy a self-suppressing motherhood can be, but I am sure that being a parent is about taking on the responsibility of raising a child the best way you can.

So I say YES she is worth it, and I try to figure out how to make that decision work for her and me.

Discipline

Yesterday I decided to be more disciplined, to stop "trying" to do better and to just do better. To do what I say I'm going to do. I also decided that process starts with a prayer, with asking God to help me do those things, to remind me when I forget why I've decided to change in the first place.

Developing discipline is no easy challenge for me. I am still thinking about the chocolate peanut-butter milkshake I turned down earlier today, but I have faith that it will get easier.

Imperfect Me

Most of the food my baby gets is baby formula. Despite two different types of medication, fenugreek and blessed thistle (two herbs), my family doctor, a breastfeeding specialist, two public health nurses, an acupunctorist, and pumping, I still can't exclusively breastfeed my baby. I don't even get close in fact. Breast is best and my best isn't good enough... or so I told myself for a while.

Despite what feels like a monumental failure of epic proportions, my baby is still growing. She is still happy and healthy. I still offer her what little I have and she gets what she can. I've decided that this may be a life lesson, an opportunity for me to grow. The chance to understand that I may not be able to give her the best of everything, but she'll still be ok. The opportunity to learn how to persevere as a mother despite my imperfections. Something altogether different? I don't know.

My girl is a happy healthy human being and I couldn't ask for more

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Time for Tina

Every night I seem to run out of time fore myself.  Every night tiredness seems to creep up on me before I've even thought of beginning my night time routine.

Change is hard.  My desire is to live differently, to not feel so tired at the end of every day.