Duty to our daughters

And at 17 we imagine ourselves as women,

fluttering about the world, 

held aloft by wings of potential

and the first taste of being desired.

Sweet and ambitious, we good girls,

weep over our inadequacies, 

and laugh triumphantly among friends 

about our successes.

We save away ourselves from foolish suitors,

whilst longingly pursuing those considered worthy

by newborn eyes.

Eventually we learn,

learn that our mothers, grandmothers,

teachers, and mentors are right.

Being a woman comes with rights

and responsibilities.

It's the miracle of our own humanity

that truly shocks us into womanhood.

Whispers quietly in our ear that

we aren't the first and won't be the last 

to walk barefoot through a field.

Reassures us that to be human

is to lose and find,

and that to be woman

is a gift, full still of potential

and awe.

Farming

Our family and another family (very good friends of ours here in Halifax) are officially farmers:-)  Or we have a plot at a local community garden, and hopefully by the fall we'll have a beautiful crop to harvest.  Aminata loves the earth by the way, I'm hoping she didn't eat any of the dirt while we were out :-P

                

Fantasy VS Reality

Fantasy:
The dishes will always be done.

Reality:
I hate the dishes, they will go undone many a night, BUT they do have to and will eventually get done.

Fantasy:
I will always have time/be in the position to exercise exactly how and when it suits me.

Reality:
I can and should get it in, where it fits in.  Choose to be more active, as opposed to less active.

Fantasy:
I will love being a stay-at-home mother and wife 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Reality:
I love my family, and enjoy the privilege of not having to rush back to full-time employment, HOWEVER like any job, this one has its frustrations, disappointments, and drawbacks (not the least of which is not feeling valued for my intellect in the larger community - I miss working outside of the home, desperately).

Fantasy:
We are going to win the lottery/never have to "worry" about money.

Reality:
I won't pretend I'll never again in my life, waste a buck on a fantasy, but I know through good stewardship we'll buy a house, save for our sweet girl's education, and retirement without having to give up MOST of the amenities we've come to enjoy.

Fantasy:
I'll get 8-10 hours of guilt-free uninterrupted sleep EVERY night:-)

Reality:
Until we have no small children, a dishwasher, AND a roomba (that picks up and stores toys), that's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN....

Fantasy:
I'll be perfect and live up to every expectation I ever had for myself in life.

Reality:
I'm a human being, I make mistakes, I grow, and hopefully I learn.

Fantasy:
The greatest expression of my worth is how well I do a particular job.  (side note: not feeling like the greatest mother or wife these days)

Reality:
There is no one indicator of worth, but opportunities to live by systems of beliefs that make our lives (as short or long as they may be) meaningful.  God has shown us what is good, and asks that we do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God - Micah 6:8.

Fantasy:
(sort of building off of the last thought) That I, the me that I am, will take the English Translation of the Protestant Bible as the one and only "true" word of God.

Reality:
God speaks to me through the Bible.  It's sometimes hard to read it (I don't read Hebrew or Greek, and I certainly have no idea what the conferences were like --where men (with various biases, traditions, and understandings of God) decided the contents of the Biblical canon.  But I take on faith that God has a word for me in the Bible, that God is challenging me to acknowledge, love, and respect people (not just the ones I know and love).  Maybe I see and interpret what I want to see and interpret.  But just as Jesus helped many of my ancestors survive lives much harder than my own, I believe Jesus helps me.  Now I've already written about one aspect of Christian faith, maybe even the most important for some: here.  Shorter (somwhat less complicated) version, a universalist minister expressed it well once: Jesus did his job.  He died for all people, now its time for us to do ours.  Acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with your God may not look the same for everyone, but faith in the love (and sacrifice) of Jesus is important to me, despite my questions and concerns about the sacred texts.

I'll end here I suppose.  I'm sure there are many other fantasies I need to disassemble for myself, and maybe I'll do this again some day, it was actually quite helpful.  It's also possible, that maybe I should consider such things in private, but I like blogging, so hopefully when I'm campaigning to be the Prime Minister of Canada, it won't come back to bite me;-P  Just Kidding!:-)  

Blessing of mine

And each day I reflect how great a gift is she, my sweet baby.

I imagine a future for her not burdened by racism, sexism, hate of any kind.

I hope...

Hope she feels loved and cherished by her family and friends.

Hope she meets God, not in the midst of dogma, patriarchy, or fear, but in the fullness of love, justice, mercy, and goodness that God is.

I hope that she never loses the joy with which she masters her universe, greets each day, and fulfills her purpose as the brilliant and beautiful human being she is..

Birth

It's mother's day, so I thought today a good time to finally post my sweet baby girl's birth story.  Warning: this post is way too long, so make it through what you can and you can always come back if you don't finish:-).

I wish I had done this right after I gave birth (or sooner at least).  Should I have the privilege of bringing another life into this world I'll try to do so (although I obviously make no promises since there are more important things to do when a new baby has arrived).

Throughout my pregnancy I worried about the impact of being overweight/obese/whatever else I'm classified as.  I worried about the increased risk of having a cesarean section and a harder labor as a result.  I worried needlessly and if I could go back I'd worry less.  I'd also encourage women who are above average in weight to devote the energy wasted on worrying about the statistics and refocus it on loving yourself and your baby.  For most people that includes eating good food, being active regularly, and appreciating the body we are in.  I'm not a doctor and I can't speak from anyone's experience but my own, but I feel like I take the best care of myself when I let go of the guilt and shame and focus on loving and trusting the only body I have.  The number on the scale is only one indicator of health.  I've digressed though, so I'm going to get back on topic and maybe do another post about this topic in the future.

The day after my due date I went to see the doctor and she performed a procedure meant to kick start labor.  It was unexpectedly painful hours after the procedure and extremely effective.  At about 3am I woke up uncomfortable, then went to rocking back and forth on my exercise ball, at about 3:30am my water broke and we called the doctor, the doula, and were on our way.  The hospital was 10 min walk away, but we took a cab.

Now my memory starts to get a little fuzzy.  What I remember for sure...the doula arrived at the perfect time and helped me breath through some hard contractions in the tub.  I wanted a break (spoiler: I didn't get one).  We watched a video that talked about how labor gradually begins, well I must have slept through the gradual part because my contractions started coming every 90 seconds and didn't stop.  My husband gives the best impressions, but I slipped into long trains of "I can't I can't I can't I can't" do this is the presumed ending although I didn't get that far.  Also included "I don't I don't I don't I don't" know if I can do this the presumed ending there.  I'll spare you the gritty details just know almost six hours later I had delivered my sweetness with no pain meds or need of stitches.

Over a year later I'm still in awe of the fact that I grew a human being inside of me, then expelled her from my body, and that was just the beginning.  Mothers do so much for their children from the moment they are conceived that children will never, can never remember.  Being a mother makes me increasingly more appreciative for every sacrifice, every late night, every hug and kiss, and all of the energy my mother invested in her children.  I wouldn't be who I am without her.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

On Same-sex Marriage

It's hard for me to understand objections to legalizing same-sex marriage.

For those who object because of the Bible, I think we pick and choose what to believe is right and wrong all of the time.  The Bible instructs slaves to obey their masters.  Jesus condemns all divorce (with no mention of remedies for those physically or sexually abused by their spouses).  Women are told to be silent in the church.  In several places the Bible contradicts what is now commonly perceived as just.  God is.  God is timeless.  God is love.  God is every good thing that happens in the world.  God is inside of all of us.  I don't think God is a celestial bureaucrat beholden to archaic understandings of righteousness, loving order above all else (including human beings, as chaotic and volatile as we can be).  The Bible is supposed to be a tool to help us understand and connect to God, a help as we try to make sense of the world, not a source of perpetual condemnation.

And I think to myself....

what a wonderful...life.

In the midst of struggle,
in the midst of awakening,
in the midst of living,
I think to myself, what a fortunate life.

Grateful for my freedom,
my husband,
my child.

Wrestling with notions of self.
Defining and re-defining
Faith.
Importance.
Success.

Realizing that no one is going to save me from this life.
The dishes will pile,
the floor go unswept,
weight physical, emotional, and intellectual
not getting lighter, only heavier without
movement.

God is though.
Regardless of my belief or unbelief. 
Love is.
In the way my daughter rests her head on my shoulder and pats my arm,
in the enveloping satisfaction of having a husband, a partner
who is best friend, closest confidant, lover, support system,
and so much more.

I say again I think to myself...
be grateful for the opportunity and freedom to consider
what a wonderful life.

I shall not forget the unbreakable bond of sisterhood,
the driving force of a mother's sacrifice,
the layers of love and strife hand painted by each member of my family
on the canvas that is me.

Through self-expression I attempt to engage my own humanity.
While not always meeting my goals,
I am satisfied to record and reflect on me....

and the smile that my startlingly fantastic life inspires in me.