A year of SAHM

When my daughter grows up, I want her to feel capable of achieving her goals.  I want her to sidestep the guilt and shame of imperfection, to be whatever she dreams of being.  I want to be an example of living a fulfilling life.  I want her to know me and the women who helped shape me, and to know without a doubt that she can have it all.

Once I was at a Council of One Hundred event at Northwestern.  They have a mentoring program for women and one of the council members was on a panel.  Someone asked about having it all, referring to being a professional and a mother (and wife) and the person said (and I paraphrase here) "sure you can have it all, just not at the same time".

Now I've repeated these words a couple of times and been looked at askance on more than one occasion.  I've repeated it, not because I think its 100% true, but because I think its an interesting perspective that deserves more exploration.  Few of the people I've said this to have indulged me thus far.

I'm willing to admit automatically there is something unsettling about the idea that women need to put their career on hold to become mothers, especially since practically no one would accept that supposition for men.  But there's hope in the statement for a young college educated stay at home mother like myself.  There's the suggestion that at some point it will again be socially acceptable to pour too many hours and too much energy into our chosen field/industry, as opposed to our children.....or something like that.

It's been about a year since I started my stay at home mother(hood) journey.  Sometimes I struggle, and sometimes its the best job in the world.  I've decided that while its important to me to have a presentable home that can be visited upon on surprise... while I enjoy walking out to a clean apartment in the morning... while I enjoy sharing a good meal I've prepared, I still yearn for something more.  I know its obvious, but worth stating out loud, I have thoughts, ideas, programs I'd like to develop and I aim to do so.

Change, progress, life happens one step at a time.  I'll keep you all updated along my way.  I know I may have had similar posts before, but I find myself energized for another push forward recently.

Blessed beyond measure to be her mom.

In the middle of the night

It's quiet at 2:30am
Sweet faces have already shut their eyes
Dishes and toys still wait, yearning for a return to their place

It's peaceful at 3:30am
The days damage, slowly peeling away
Worries and anxieties melting with greasy suds being washed down the drain

It's late at 4:30am
Courting sleep, fearing morning
Pledging to read, write, wash dishes, sweep/mop/vacuum, bathe, etc...BEFORE sweet faces fall asleep after 1 or 2am

Choices

Lately its seemed as if blogging gets pushed to the back burner.  For the last several days I've gotten to the end of a day, only to have a choice before me.  SLEEP or blog....  It's a tough decision some nights because I really love having a space to share my thoughts, to put whatever is troubling me or whatever idea/theme is active in my imagination onto paper, but sleep is important.  Sleeping while my baby is sleeping of supreme importance.  

I'm not sure I have much to say tonight, I just wanted to say something before racing to bed.  Goodnight :-)

In a little over a week...

My baby will be...

On Hagar

So it's silent and I strain to hear God. I downloaded an app that breaks the Bible up into small chunks, to be read from beginning to end in one year. I'm not even a week in, but the task seems to be going ok, although I struggle. I struggle to hear God through a text that at times seems oppressive to me. Why would God favor Abram and Sarai, when they treat Hagar as less important, less fully human than themselves. What gives Sarai the right to "give" Hagar to her husband. How devestating it must have been to be forced into the slave owner's bed by his wife, forced to carry a child to further his legacy. It feels unjust and leaves me pondering the age old questions of why bad things happen, why are some people born in North America where their likelihood of living a decent life is dramatically higher than if they were born in poorer parts of the world. 

Why? Why slavery? Why the subjugation of women? Why covenants, savior for some people, but not all people? So many whys....

Because it's God's plan? Is God not the creator of all people? Are we not all his children? How is it right/fair that some are favored and some are not? Maybe I need to be clearer on how I define favored, because it's clearly not solely a material wealth thing, but still, its hard to imagine understanding God's favor from Hagar's position.

Fixation

Sometimes my thoughts really are like a broken record, the same messed up line playing over and over again in my head. Lifting the needle off of the record and putting on a new song is always so much easier said than done. Maybe in time I'll figure out how to either shut it off or tune out the relentless beat.

Consistent

So it's been 50 years since I updated, I know. I was visiting home and didn't have consistent internet access. I'm still visiting family, so I probably won't update much, but I have been thinking about some things. Consistency among the most important. Setting realistic goals and organizing my space and time in a way that supports productivity is certainly a new focus. My goal is to be consistently productive, consistent with self-care, and consistently reflective of my goals, accomplishments, and set setbacks. My hope is that in being more consistent in my efforts to be better, I'll make the changes I've been intending to make.