Finding my voice

Sometimes I get lost on the way to my voice.  I see it from a short distance off, but as I approach, what was once a battle cry turns to a whisper and I am left standing, perplexed, unsure how to proceed.  I arrive at myself, back from a long journey meant to unveil me to I and I search.  I remember the brilliant mind I thought my own, and I close my eyes, ready to speak, ready to release, set myself free.  Then I awake from the fantasy, just in time to realize that the world has shifted, my voice is now elsewhere.  My opportunity to embrace it, to share it, to encourage it, to be unafraid has passed on from a particular place.  At times when I speak, I'm too careful, too anxious to get my thoughts expressed, too needing of time to think.

I'm looking for my voice, I find it daily, but sometimes not quickly enough (for my tastes).

Reparations on my soul

Gill Scott Heron had me thinking this evening about being Black in North America.  He raises a good question, who will pay reparations on my soul, on the soul of millions of Black people sold into slavery, on the souls of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Black men and women trapped inside the prison industrial complex, on the souls of children lied to, told they are inferior, undereducated and then confronted by hostile job markets, on the souls of every Black person asked to repeatedly prove racism still exists, even as they wake to face it each day.  Who pays the reparations, which can be no less than a healing peace (from what I can tell).  

Jesus through incomprehensible love?

Ourselves through persistent self-love and self-care?

Others through kindness and compassion?

Who?

....and if not a healing peace, what are adequate reparations for one's soul?

Making

Making things...

Making things happen...

Making moves...

Making sure I don't lose sight of the important people in my life...

Loving the life I have to live

Only Human Afterall

Sometimes I feel the need to be "on" all the time.  I forget a simple truth that I try to remind my friends and family of whenever they are confronting a challenge.  You, I, we are not alone in our struggles.  Someone, somewhere is likely feeling, thinking, doing something similar.  I am not the only procrastinator, you are not the only one to have let someone else down, we are more than our greatest weaknesses.  You, I, we are only human afterall.  

In the spirit of remembering that I don't need to be superwoman to be a loving productive member of my community, even with all my flaws.   

Faith

I've been struggling with faith recently.  In the spirit of being honest and true, I've decided to write about it here, because as much as I write to share my thoughts with others, I also write to explore and document my thoughts for myself.  I'll be upfront though and say that its frightening because I'm sure there will be readers, most of whom I know, love, and respect who may be saddened or offended by what I say.

I wonder sometimes if I can be a Christian and not believe in hell.  I'm not sure anything happens after we die.  To the extent that I do believe something happens, it falls into what I call the great mist theory.  In short our essence sort of dissolves and hovers over the earth, sometimes congealing with the essence of others to do good (or evil).  Its maybe a combination of believing that our ancestors look out for us and believing in angels.  In my current afterlife thoughts God allows us to continue existing, but doesn't reward or punish us.

I believe we were created for a purpose (we're each unique for a reason), that God is that creator, that Jesus is God in human form, that we should follow God's lead for our lives, but I don't think I can believe everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell.  My God is a loving God who wants us to love God and others.  Eternal damnation just doesn't fit in the picture for me.

I know it doesn't seem right to pick and choose what you want from the Bible or any religious text, so I read on, I pray, I try to think through what I believe, but its hard.  I end up back at a question that I wrestle with often:

Do you have to believe everyone needs to be redeemed to believe in a redemptive God?

Your thoughts????? (believers and non-believers in Christianity alike)

Because

Because I exist
Because I am free
Because I am the only ever me

Because I bear witness to the life I carried within me
Because countless women and men journeyed before me
Because the world doesn't revolve around (nor end) with me

I live, I take stock of my day,
I quiet the voice that undermines my spirit,
and I never give up the fight for a better world, a better tomorrow, a better me.

Having a plan seems like the first step, knowing that its ok if I mistep seems like the second.

Failure

When asked in high school what my biggest fear is I answered failure.  Above death I was asked and the answer was yes, above everything.

Today the answer would be different for a number of reasons, and I'm unsure of how I would answer.  I know for sure though the answer would not be failure.  

I won't pretend that I've overcome my fear of failure or failure's cousin rejection.  I still struggle.  I struggle with eyes wide open though, that as much as this life isn't all about me, it is about the path I choose to take.