Silence

And I love nap time.
I admit I look forward to it.
I hope silently that it will last for at least an hour.
I debate about how to make the best use of that time, a nap of my own perhaps.
I struggle with feeling overworked and like I don't do enough at the same time.  The hubby was with her all morning, she cried when he left for work.  I slept in until 10.  There's no end to this job, every nap induces guilt.  At the same time with all of my education I feel like I still fail to do enough teaching, the children in daycare have the benefit of people who have studied early childhood development extensively and regularly put into place activities that spur growth.

I feel resentful of not being able to work, and not knowing when I'll go back, and angry at myself for not more fully enjoying the privilege that I have to take care of my child without having to work.

I'm nervous she'll wake up before I finish putting away toys, sorting clothes to be washed, packing a snack to for the trip to the playground, and washing the dishes.  But then again, I'm blogging at this moment, seconds and minutes that I could be using to do those tasks (or sleeping) silently passing away.

Unsure whether I should share these words, nothing profound or lyrical today, just my truth.  It's entirely possible, this is more appropriate for a personal diary entry.  But what can I say yall, I'm a cracked plate, set me down gently.  I enjoy blogging, so in that way I guess this is my revolt against a fear of inadequacy.

Mirrored

Sometimes the mirror I search for reassurance seems broken.

I try to piece together a clear image of myself from shards of reassembled glass,

but see only my faults, highlighted by the cracks that existed before I even entered the frame.

Other times it seems perfectly clear, reflecting only those wavelengths of light that 

affirm an inner greatness I aspire for.

Most days though the mirror is actually moving, alive with giggles and screams.

More often than not my shadow, Tina Jr. reminds me of my successes and my failures.

Imitations of tone, expression, attitude.

If only for her I will remember and affirm in myself each day that my humanity is enough.

Perfection is an illusion.

Despite having to learn certain lessons over and over again,

the truth is, being successful, being happy varies by person.

The challenge is figuring out my ever-evolving sense of each.

Fresh Air

And sometimes my voice is only lyrical,
Thoughts so jumbled, they only fall out in rhythm.
Thought one, two, three.
One, two, three,
One,
Two,
Three,
The end.

Ok, that little exercise actually opened me up a bit.  Today was tough, but I made it through.  There's no epiphany waiting at the end of it, just the satisfaction that I have continued to meet the goal of making sure my sweet baby girl gets a good amount of fresh air everyday, even when its tough for me to get out of the apartment.

Ask and you shall receive

My husband isn't a big fan of vegetables, but he has said on a couple of occasions that one vegetable he does like (and would eat) are greens.

So...

In our garden, I grew some greens.  Click here for a before view of our garden.

With a little bit of sausage from the farmer's market, an onion and a half, a couple cloves of garlic, and a bit of olive oil, voila:

Tonight's dinner:

Collard greens with garlic sausage, creamed cauliflower (also from our garden) with a little milk, butter, garlic, and parsley, and a slice of homemade bread.  Delicious!

Starting to harvest

And we have been blessed. Our first harvest, more details, recipes, and photos to come:

In it's place

And sometimes my thoughts flow yearning for a place to rest (or hide).
And other times they circulate in my mind like air in a room without circulation,
Sometimes growing stale, while other times seeming fresher than the polluted mess on the outside.
When I'm angry they race, tugging at my emotions seeking to validate, temper, and check,
When I'm focused the questions and answers come before actions and words:
Is this just, merciful, a humble walk with my God?
Sometimes I feel the need to hide in open spaces, and I hope that isn't strange, silent reflections at once available to and ignored by millions

Master of her universe

With a smile and a strut
A squeal and a twirl
A stomp and a clap,
She is girl,
Person,
Alive,
Master of her universe.

In honor of my sweet baby girl and all the greatness that is within her, she reminds me daily through every new development and giggle that there is joy, ingenuity, growth, and love in the world and in me.

Long Time No See

So, it's been a while since I've posted.  We were on vacation and have finally made it back home.  I don't like broadcasting that we are going to be away from home for a month and since this is the last summer our baby travels for free, it probably won't happen for a while, but here's a quick recap in photos.

Good fun:

Good friends:

Good family fun:

 

Just Plain Old Goodness!