Voicing Me

Rut

2012-02-08T23:08:00.000-08:00

I'm in a faith rut. I'm finding it hard to understand and communicate with God. Sometimes I feel so distant and the Bible seems like an imperfect manual at best. How do I hold on to my relationship with God when I'm so often confronted by philosophies that compete with my understanding of justice (in the Bible). My issue currently is not belief in God, I'm sure God loves me, because that's what God does, loves us beyond our comprehension, all of us, saints and sinners alike. Although I struggle, I believe God is with me, but it's hard. I can't explain it adequately, I consider regularly the possibility that some things are God's prerogative and I'll never understand, but I hope to understand enough to never lose faith completely. I hope to understand enough to raise my child to know God and seek a relationship with God for herself, whether more or less strong than my own. I suppose I'm a bit envious of people I know who seem to have lots of faith, few questions (about the Bible or God), and much more peace about the direction they are heading in life. As much as I believe.... I'll be honest and say that occasionally I wonder whether I am trying too hard to hang on to a cultural relic of my childhood/culture, rather than a firm object of my adulthood. My hope is that I'm right that God won't abandon me for periods of a lack of faith, but I don't want to push myself over a cliff of unbelief that I can't find my way back up.

Thoughts?

To do project #563: the Women's Writing Well

2012-02-03T22:52:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start a writing group at the local high school called the Women's Writing Well. In my imagination the students have blogs and notebooks. Personal and public writing spaces. We would meet twice a week, one day would be a reading day (reading other people's and each other's blogs, reading portions of whatever book we are reading that month as a group), the second a writing day (each month focusing on a different skill or theme). It'd theoretically be related to/connecting with the curriculum during the day. The students would produce a quarterly WWW newsletter, maybe even a community blog. They'd learn how to make clear concise arguments, get practice doing research, making outlines, writing in a judge free zone. We'd have speakers: journalists, novelists, poets, professors, Communications managers, lots and lots of women who write. We'd tackle issues of gender, race, class. It'd be a place for women, especially those who lack confidence as writers to gain inspiration and nourishment from the well, and a space for them to learn to write well.

Much more thought to be given to it, but I think it may go on my upcoming list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30. Today is my 29th birthday:-)

Better

2012-02-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes good enough just doesn't seem.....GOOD enough

Sometimes despite knowing better....I don't really DO better

Sometimes I'm so critical of myself that I get STUCK....

stuck on my imperfections

stuck in my movement forward

stuck with old habits I'd like to change.

Happily there is self-reflection.

Gratefully there is forgiveness.

Shockingly there is yet another, and another, and another chance for me to do better.

I am thankful for grace given freely to all.

Promise

2012-01-30T23:54:00.000-08:00

When I was a child I imagined I'd do something great. I felt full of promise. Junior high Tina thought she was one of the smartest in the class (nevermind there were only 14-16 kids in the class:-). High school Tina knew she wasn't the smartest, but she was at least "above average". College Tina, recognized her world was so small back home and being the smartest - 1) wasn't a personal reality and 2) wasn't all that mattered... yet she still wanted to be great. Graduate school Tina had her moments when she was exceptional and moments when she was just getting by, but the scale tipped (even if ever so slightly) more to the exceptional side than the just getting by side. Tina the first year counselor was a hot mess, Tina the first year mom, not a hot mess, but not mother of the year either.

Sometimes I wonder if the promise I saw, the promise I feel my family and friends saw and encouraged will ever be realized. I wonder whether I'll survive the projected 5-7 years of stay at home motherhood where my greatness is largely a reflection of my existence as the professor's wife, and mother of the most brilliant and beautiful child(ren). I'm sure I could use a perspective check, and I check myself often during the day, since I live a very privileged life, with opportunities to become more engaged in the community (which I pursue when I can), but I still wonder....I wonder whether any of the plans or ideas I have are really able to be accomplished from a non employed SAHM position.

A year of SAHM

2012-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

When my daughter grows up, I want her to feel capable of achieving her goals. I want her to sidestep the guilt and shame of imperfection, to be whatever she dreams of being. I want to be an example of living a fulfilling life. I want her to know me and the women who helped shape me, and to know without a doubt that she can have it all.

Once I was at a Council of One Hundred event at Northwestern. They have a mentoring program for women and one of the council members was on a panel. Someone asked about having it all, referring to being a professional and a mother (and wife) and the person said (and I paraphrase here) "sure you can have it all, just not at the same time".

Now I've repeated these words a couple of times and been looked at askance on more than one occasion. I've repeated it, not because I think its 100% true, but because I think its an interesting perspective that deserves more exploration. Few of the people I've said this to have indulged me thus far.

I'm willing to admit automatically there is something unsettling about the idea that women need to put their career on hold to become mothers, especially since practically no one would accept that supposition for men. But there's hope in the statement for a young college educated stay at home mother like myself. There's the suggestion that at some point it will again be socially acceptable to pour too many hours and too much energy into our chosen field/industry, as opposed to our children.....or something like that.

It's been about a year since I started my stay at home mother(hood) journey. Sometimes I struggle, and sometimes its the best job in the world. I've decided that while its important to me to have a presentable home that can be visited upon on surprise... while I enjoy walking out to a clean apartment in the morning... while I enjoy sharing a good meal I've prepared, I still yearn for something more. I know its obvious, but worth stating out loud, I have thoughts, ideas, programs I'd like to develop and I aim to do so.

Change, progress, life happens one step at a time. I'll keep you all updated along my way. I know I may have had similar posts before, but I find myself energized for another push forward recently.

Blessed beyond measure to be her mom.

In the middle of the night

2012-01-16T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's quiet at 2:30am
Sweet faces have already shut their eyes
Dishes and toys still wait, yearning for a return to their place

It's peaceful at 3:30am
The days damage, slowly peeling away
Worries and anxieties melting with greasy suds being washed down the drain

It's late at 4:30am
Courting sleep, fearing morning
Pledging to read, write, wash dishes, sweep/mop/vacuum, bathe, etc...BEFORE sweet faces fall asleep after 1 or 2am

Choices

2012-01-10T22:35:00.000-08:00

Lately its seemed as if blogging gets pushed to the back burner. For the last several days I've gotten to the end of a day, only to have a choice before me. SLEEP or blog.... It's a tough decision some nights because I really love having a space to share my thoughts, to put whatever is troubling me or whatever idea/theme is active in my imagination onto paper, but sleep is important. Sleeping while my baby is sleeping of supreme importance.

I'm not sure I have much to say tonight, I just wanted to say something before racing to bed. Goodnight :-)

In a little over a week...

2012-01-09T00:53:00.000-08:00

My baby will be...

On Hagar

2012-01-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

So it's silent and I strain to hear God. I downloaded an app that breaks the Bible up into small chunks, to be read from beginning to end in one year. I'm not even a week in, but the task seems to be going ok, although I struggle. I struggle to hear God through a text that at times seems oppressive to me. Why would God favor Abram and Sarai, when they treat Hagar as less important, less fully human than themselves. What gives Sarai the right to "give" Hagar to her husband. How devestating it must have been to be forced into the slave owner's bed by his wife, forced to carry a child to further his legacy. It feels unjust and leaves me pondering the age old questions of why bad things happen, why are some people born in North America where their likelihood of living a decent life is dramatically higher than if they were born in poorer parts of the world.

Why? Why slavery? Why the subjugation of women? Why covenants, savior for some people, but not all people? So many whys....

Because it's God's plan? Is God not the creator of all people? Are we not all his children? How is it right/fair that some are favored and some are not? Maybe I need to be clearer on how I define favored, because it's clearly not solely a material wealth thing, but still, its hard to imagine understanding God's favor from Hagar's position.

Fixation

2011-12-29T23:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my thoughts really are like a broken record, the same messed up line playing over and over again in my head. Lifting the needle off of the record and putting on a new song is always so much easier said than done. Maybe in time I'll figure out how to either shut it off or tune out the relentless beat.

Consistent

2011-12-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

So it's been 50 years since I updated, I know. I was visiting home and didn't have consistent internet access. I'm still visiting family, so I probably won't update much, but I have been thinking about some things.Consistency among the most important. Setting realistic goals and organizing my space and time in a way that supports productivity is certainly a new focus. My goal is to be consistently productive, consistent with self-care, and consistently reflective of my goals, accomplishments, and set setbacks.My hope is that in being more consistent in my efforts to be better, I'll make the changes I've been intending to make.

Finding my voice

2011-12-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get lost on the way to my voice. I see it from a short distance off, but as I approach, what was once a battle cry turns to a whisper and I am left standing, perplexed, unsure how to proceed. I arrive at myself, back from a long journey meant to unveil me to I and I search. I remember the brilliant mind I thought my own, and I close my eyes, ready to speak, ready to release, set myself free. Then I awake from the fantasy, just in time to realize that the world has shifted, my voice is now elsewhere. My opportunity to embrace it, to share it, to encourage it, to be unafraid has passed on from a particular place. At times when I speak, I'm too careful, too anxious to get my thoughts expressed, too needing of time to think.

I'm looking for my voice, I find it daily, but sometimes not quickly enough (for my tastes).

Reparations on my soul

2011-12-10T13:11:00.001-08:00

Gill Scott Heron had me thinking this evening about being Black in North America. He raises a good question, who will pay reparations on my soul, on the soul of millions of Black people sold into slavery, on the souls of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Black men and women trapped inside the prison industrial complex, on the souls of children lied to, told they are inferior, undereducated and then confronted by hostile job markets, on the souls of every Black person asked to repeatedly prove racism still exists, even as they wake to face it each day. Who pays the reparations, which can be no less than a healing peace (from what I can tell).

Jesus through incomprehensible love?

Ourselves through persistent self-love and self-care?

Others through kindness and compassion?

Who?

....and if not a healing peace, what are adequate reparations for one's soul?

Making

2011-12-05T10:12:00.001-08:00

Making things...

Making things happen...

Making moves...

Making sure I don't lose sight of the important people in my life...

Loving the life I have to live

Only Human Afterall

2011-11-30T08:37:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel the need to be "on" all the time. I forget a simple truth that I try to remind my friends and family of whenever they are confronting a challenge. You, I, we are not alone in our struggles. Someone, somewhere is likely feeling, thinking, doing something similar. I am not the only procrastinator, you are not the only one to have let someone else down, we are more than our greatest weaknesses. You, I, we are only human afterall.

In the spirit of remembering that I don't need to be superwoman to be a loving productive member of my community, even with all my flaws.

Faith

2011-11-25T21:46:00.001-08:00

I've been struggling with faith recently. In the spirit of being honest and true, I've decided to write about it here, because as much as I write to share my thoughts with others, I also write to explore and document my thoughts for myself. I'll be upfront though and say that its frightening because I'm sure there will be readers, most of whom I know, love, and respect who may be saddened or offended by what I say.

I wonder sometimes if I can be a Christian and not believe in hell. I'm not sure anything happens after we die. To the extent that I do believe something happens, it falls into what I call the great mist theory. In short our essence sort of dissolves and hovers over the earth, sometimes congealing with the essence of others to do good (or evil). Its maybe a combination of believing that our ancestors look out for us and believing in angels. In my current afterlife thoughts God allows us to continue existing, but doesn't reward or punish us.

I believe we were created for a purpose (we're each unique for a reason), that God is that creator, that Jesus is God in human form, that we should follow God's lead for our lives, but I don't think I can believe everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell. My God is a loving God who wants us to love God and others. Eternal damnation just doesn't fit in the picture for me.

I know it doesn't seem right to pick and choose what you want from the Bible or any religious text, so I read on, I pray, I try to think through what I believe, but its hard. I end up back at a question that I wrestle with often:

Do you have to believe everyone needs to be redeemed to believe in a redemptive God?

Your thoughts????? (believers and non-believers in Christianity alike)

Because

2011-11-23T15:22:00.001-08:00

Because I exist
Because I am free
Because I am the only ever me

Because I bear witness to the life I carried within me
Because countless women and men journeyed before me
Because the world doesn't revolve around (nor end) with me

I live, I take stock of my day,
I quiet the voice that undermines my spirit,
and I never give up the fight for a better world, a better tomorrow, a better me.

Having a plan seems like the first step, knowing that its ok if I mistep seems like the second.

Failure

2011-11-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

When asked in high school what my biggest fear is I answered failure. Above death I was asked and the answer was yes, above everything.

Today the answer would be different for a number of reasons, and I'm unsure of how I would answer. I know for sure though the answer would not be failure.

I won't pretend that I've overcome my fear of failure or failure's cousin rejection. I still struggle. I struggle with eyes wide open though, that as much as this life isn't all about me, it is about the path I choose to take.

Unsung

2011-11-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

I watched the Unsung episode featuring Minnie Riperton a couple days ago. It was really good, two of her famous songs are "Lovin' You (is easy because you're beautiful)" and "Back down memory lane" (for those of you who are bad with artist names like me. She died very young (only 31) and it had me thinking about my own life.

I worry about the future sometimes. A post that I was working on started with a series of "what ifs", like what if the world does end in 2012, what if the machines do rise up, what if a secret powerful world organization does orchestrate the downfall of Canadian (or American) society? Too many bad sci-fi movies you say...I'm sure, nevertheless the question remains, what if there is no tomorrow?

Minnie Riperton made amazing music, created songs like Back Down Memory Lane while suffering from Breast Cancer, knowing she only had months to live. Hearing her story and watching her perform that song brought tears to my eyes. She wanted to be there for her babies, she wanted to and continued to make music for months while she was sick and in pain.

Yet she's considered unsung. She came out and spoke about breast cancer when the record label told her to keep it to herself because she thought women shouldn't be silenced about breast cancer. She found a way to make an indelible mark on the music industry, while also being a loving wife and mother, all in 31 short years. I know that I knew those two famous songs, but couldn't have remembered her name if I tried before viewing that episode.

There are a number of home videos in the episode with Minnie, Rick, Marc, and Maya Rudolph. They seemed to live and love so thoroughly as a family. I can't imagine it was easy, and I hope that by the end of my life, hopefully many many years from now, artifacts of my contributions to my family, my career, the world will remain as evidence of a life well lived.

I think often about motherhood and my career, one might say I even obsesses about it. How do I find the balance that I crave? I'm sure there's no easy answer, but living the struggle to do so reminds me how impressed I am by women who are able to do it all, even if the truth is I shouldn't be impressed, but rather demand that women, like men can have it all.

Womanhood = ....Sacrifice?

2011-11-19T11:51:00.001-08:00

Aminata is napping and so once again I try to carve out a moment to make a post. My last attempt was thwarted, but maybe I'll be successful this time. If I'm lucky maybe I'll get a short nap too after I switch over the laundry.

I read a review of the new Twilight movie that called it an anti-feminist throwback. The main female character (according to the author at least) is self-sacrificing to a fault, in this movie her health supposedly grows fainter and fainter (almost to the point of death) as she grows a human vampire hybrid baby inside. I haven't seen any of the previous twilight films, in fact I know little about the books or movies other than conversations that discuss abstinence as it relates to the main female character who doesn't have sex until her wedding night (from what I can tell) at the ripe age of 18.

The author has a problem with the repeated theme of self-sacrifice and devotion this female character shows toward her vampire boyfriend/now husband in particular. I think that devotion to one's spouse and/or unborn child is not anti-feminist by default, but devotion and self-sacrifice can cross the line easily.

I purposefully introduced this post by situating it in my lived experience. Trying to stay on the right side of the devotion/self-sacrifice line is a daily struggle. I love my family and I don't mind sacrificing for them, but the question arises, is it really instinctual to put yourself on the back burner in order to always support your spouse or children, or is that just what we've been socialized to believe is "natural" by society and movies like Twilight (from the time we are children)?

Girl children, even more than boy children are often socialized to idealize being married and becoming a parent as the ultimate goals in life. Even if we decided women sacrificing their careers, health, or aspirations outside of the home is the way things are supposed to be, then shouldn't we at least be more honest about the costs associated with that philosophy?

It feels like once you go down the road of centering women's lives around their partners and children then you head toward forgetting the value of women separate from those roles.

So Much to Say

2011-11-13T21:06:00.001-08:00

I have so much to say and so little time to say it.

I'm considering a career change...maybe computer engineering. If you know any Black female computer engineers who are also mothers, please pass along their info (if they are willing to talk to someone interested in joining the field). I'd really be happy to talk to any computer engineer, so please let me know if you know some folks who wouldn't mind answering some basic questions (beyond what I can look up online).

In other news I'm blessed to have amazing people in my life who share with and inspire me. Below is a painting by one of those people. Check out her blog for more awesome artwork!

Also if you have some time, consider stopping by my friend Ev's blog. She is challenging herself to publish a post every day for a month, an admirable goal and one day when I'm more organized I may try to do the same.

Thanks ladies for being a part of my life.

Difficult to Understand

2011-11-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

A couple of people have been circulating an article about how women aren't crazy on facebook for interacting and communicating the way some women do. It's an open letter of sorts from a feminist man. I haven't had the opportunity to read the entire thing, and once I do maybe I will post it, but it started me thinking.

As a counseling student I was once confronted by a theory that suggested people distance themselves from emotionality to make more "rational" decisions. I admit that sometimes it's hard to surpress an anxious-like- fire that wells up in me when I feel I have a point that is not being heard, especially as it pertains to the experience of women, people of color, and poor people. I actively try to challenge myself to be open, to stay present and engaged enough to pay attention to not only my next point, but the points of the other person(s). I disagree however that rationality is superior to emotionality, that arguments have to follow a certain set of rules.

Not everyone speaks the same way, thinks the same way. I have a lot of growing to do in terms of better communicating my thoughts and ideas in the heat of contention, but I don't think being emotionally charged necessarily means one is more difficult to understand.

Change is hard

2011-11-10T22:36:00.001-08:00

Every night I seem to run out of time fore myself. Every night tiredness seems to creep up on me before I've even thought of beginning my night time routine.

Change is hard. My desire is to live differently, to not feel so tired at the end of every day.

The overflow of my heart

2011-11-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Luke 6:45

Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Recently I've been feeling challenged to change my attitude and monitor more closely the things that I say, particularly to my husband. I'm not one to curse or call names, its not the overtly disrespectful stuff that I worry about, more the subtle dismissive stuff. We have different ways of communicating and thirty years from now I'm sure we'll look back and laugh at how long it took us to get it right, but in the mean time it is my desire to work on being better. I got a fortune cookie a couple of weeks ago that I thought was cute, it reads:

"Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect!"

In other news, Aminata and I participated in a march on Sunday to help end violence in Halifax. I was interviewed and quoted in one of the local newspapers. http://thechronicleherald.ca/metro/30681-city-march-takes-aim-violence. In this instance, although not elaborately planned, my words do represent what's in my heart. I've been fortunate enough to live a life only lightly brushed by violence and as I watch a PBS special on Redefining War to include rape and restructuring peace to include the work of women, I recognize how important it is for us to work to end violence within our local communities and around the world.

I'm not sure how to best use my voice for change. I do know that I want to start at home with letting my mouth truly speak the overflow of my heart. I know that I want to be active in the world. I know that I want to speak.

Anew

2011-11-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

I started and stopped several posts today. I've been meaning to post for the last week and with my husband out of town the last couple of days that goal has been harder and harder to accomplish

Since I've not been able to adequately settle those other posts, I decided to start anew. It's almost 2 in the morning, but our baby is sleeping (she normally heads in between 12 and 1:30, the dishes are washed, I've read a chapter in Luke (my goal is to slowly, but surely make it through the gospels, even if its just a chapter a day), the living room is straightened, I've put a dish in the crockpot (tomorrow is our monthly communal dinner for first Sunday at church), I've picked out our clothes for tomorrow, and now all that is left to do is shower and head to bed.

I feel quite accomplished. I had a good day, I thoroughly enjoyed being a mother. I didn't waste the day away watching television, I didn't spend any money, and I appropriately prioritized. My intention had been to post some amazing insightful masterpiece on something or another, but I'm going to contently settle on a day well lived and start anew tomorrow.

Taking Advantage of the Quiet

2011-10-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's amazing the difference self care makes. I made some great split pea soup w/smoked turkey leg (that I got from the market) yesterday. It put an end to an outrageous couple of days of poor eating. I really enjoyed it and it made me feel good. I'm on my way to do my hair, which will hopefully be an equally enjoyable and fulfilling activity.

The loves of my life are napping and there's a bit of quiet, which I am using to relax and take care of me.

My Life:-)

Fragile

2011-10-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been fragile recently. If struck at the wrong angle capable of completely shattering. I feel simultaneously strong and weak. Often its hard to reflect on my personal struggles because I tend to consider the challenges people much less privileged than me face, which creates further guilt over feeling so challenged when I live such a privileged life.

In relation to this blog, the feeling manifests itself through conflict about what to post. There are always important events happening in the world from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearings happening here in Halifax, to the unrest and threat of interventions in Syria, everyday something worthy of reflection happens, and everyday I'm confronted with emotions and thoughts that have nothing to do with anyone but me.

I struggle with the desire to at once be perceived as thoughtful and insightful, while also being completely honest about the mess that I sometimes am. Whether my words flow together coherently or not at the moment I'm unsure. What I am willing to recognize in this moment is that this is my truth and if I'm afraid to share it, then that sort of defeats the purpose of occupying this virtual space.

No Movement Without Risk

2011-10-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been confronted by the notion that there cannot be political or personal movement without risk. In the class I'm sitting in on we watched a documentary called Fishing on the Brink. It focused on the occupation of DFO (Fisheries and Oceans Canada) offices by inshore fishermen and women who supported them. The participants were protesting legislation that had the potential to favor large multinational corporations over locals who had been fishing in Nova Scotia for generations. Later in the day I went to a community meeting that addressed the hiring process for the executive director position at the Africville Heritage Trust. There had been controversy over a white woman from Ontario receiving the job. Articles about those events abound, here is one: http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1057587. My position is one that many of the meeting attendees share, mainly that a person of African Nova Scotian background is best fit to redress the admitted racism involved in destroying the Africville community in the late 1960s. It would make me uncomfortable if an organization that aimed to redress sexist policies in the workplace decided that the best person to head that organization was a man, not because men can't or shouldn't be involved, but because the life experience of being a woman, of negotiating one's identity and career in our patriarchal and sexist society provides fundamental knowledge and skills that can't be learned out of a book. You need the life experience to best carry out the job and the same goes for the challenges Black people face in a society that let racism destroy the Africville community in the first place.

Both the fishermen and the community members at the meeting reminded me that its important to fight for what you believe. Our democracy, our health and happiness all depend on active engagement, despite the likelihood of success. The fishermen risked jail time and ultimately the livelihood of their families by fighting the government which controlled licensing and fishing season guidelines. At least one member of the community who opposed the hiring of a non-Black Executive Director faced a call to this person's employer about their outside of work political activity. I'll be honest and say that part of me wonders what impact my husband's involvement will have on his tenure application. Our family's livelihood has the potential to be impacted should someone take offense....but there is no movement without risk.

The same goes for personal struggles/decisions. In order to grow, to be a better person, to live life as fully as I can, I must have the courage to fail, the courage to take risks. People have faced imprisonment, beatings, even death for me to have the freedom to make decisions about the direction of my life. I am able to freely gather with a group of men and women of various political leanings to discuss events like the contested hiring process because of the risks of my elders. I've decided that I pay the debt that I owe them by fully engaging in my community. But I also pay that debt by leading a physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy life. This blog is a part of that for me, and hopefully when I reflect back over my life years or even months from now, I'll rest easy knowing that I took the risks to move forward.

A Decade Into Womanhood...

2011-10-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

I went to see a play a couple of months ago by Shauntay Grant. It was very good and one of the lines that really stuck with me included the words:

"Only a decade into womanhood...."

It was repeated a couple of times with various endings to the sentence. At 28 years old, it really resonated with me, because in many ways, that's sort of where I am. A decade into womanhood and...still a bit lost, but finding my way.

Today I worked very hard to break a cycle. A cycle of unproductiveness, a cycle of self-doubt, a cycle of a lack of self-care. I wasn't completely successful, but I did interrupt the cycle at the very least. Upon re-reading that I felt bad for not giving myself credit for the work I do everyday to take care of my daughter, always falling short of perfection, but ever striving to protect, love, and support her. A cycle of self-criticism and self-doubt may lie under the surface often, but one thing is certain, my love and support of Aminata.

I write this post at the end of a long day after having done some cleaning that I didn't want to do, but needed to do to feel accomplished at SOMETHING, again see the above comment about re-reading. I tried really hard to not resent my partner in life for not cleaning for me. I wasn't that successful.

I'm a decade into womanhood and I still find myself making childish mistakes. Thankfully, I also find myself being reflective. I find myself capable of adapting and practiced enough at being a woman to know that I have a lot to learn from other women.

Only a decade into womanhood....and I have much more to do and say.

Stuck

2011-10-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

I've felt stuck for the last couple of days. Stuck in a cycle of being down on myself. I try to remind myself to be kind to me, but I'm falling a bit short. My goal though is to get out of this funk and figure out how to construct a more kind interpretation of myself.

Me: I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO IMPERFECT!!!!!

Hubby: Sounds like you're so human.

Science Fiction

2011-10-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

It's Fall and new tv shows are in abundance. One of my favorite genres is Science Fiction. I could watch sci-fi b-movies all day, as long as they have at least some mystery to them.

One of my favorite authors is Octavia Butler. She wrote Parable of the Sower, among other novels and what I appreciate most about her work is the central role identity plays. Most sci-fi movies and novels, don't pay particular attention to how race, class, and gender (to a lesser extent) impact one's experiences. Butler constructs complex sci-fi narratives that reflect me, and my experiences. I love it, every futuristic, parallel universe, time traveling, post-apocalyptic hero is not white and male. I comment on this not because I dislike reading about characters who aren't culturally exactly like me, but because people of color are sometimes hard to find, especially in novels and its nice to not have to search.

Read it if you get the chance. It took me a while get into it, but once it gets going, you won't want to put it down. I can't wait to read Parable of the Talents, the next book in the series.

Kin Stability

2011-10-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in on a course at Dalhousie University. The class is called "Good Jobs, Bad Jobs". If there is a subject you are interested in, but haven't studied yet, I encourage everyone who can to sit in on classes at your local university. Most universities receive at least some public funding, they belong to the community as well as those who formally study and work there. You don't get the formal feedback of graded essays or tests, but you do get access to knowledge and a platform to express your thoughts. The endeavor is only free if the course books are at the library, but for $50 - $100 dollars you can expand your knowledge without the typical anxieties of taking a class or tuition.

The class is offered by the sociology department and primarily revolves around work and how its changed (and changing). While in class on Tuesday we discussed family work conflict and it raised a question for me.

How do women's career achievements affect kin stability? Now I made up the term kin stability to refer to the ways in which extended family and life-long neighbors/friends support the work family balance of working parents.

My question stems from two observations:
First, if not for my aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, godmother, etc., my mother would have had a significantly harder time raising my sister and I. It is stressful to work two or more jobs to support one's family, I can only imagine what it would feel like to have to choose between working to survive on your own or not working to insure the safety and well-being of your children because you can't find adequate childcare.
Second, pursing a post-secondary education takes many women away from their home communities and while some return home at the end of their studies, many others find jobs, friends, partners, in their new communities.

Do you have to trade kin stability for career, and what does that mean for parenting among first generation college graduates?

My mother did her job as our mother, and did it well, in the face of many challenges. I find myself comparing our lives, seeing the advantages I have (in large part because of her hard work) and hoping I can do as good a job as she did with fewer resources. I get stuck though, I did the right thing, I went to college, I got a Masters degree, I found a career, I got married and now I'm a mom, but there is no family member to watch Aminata while I work. No family to take care of her while I go to a movie with my hubby. I find myself privileged enough to have a career, but unclear on how to pursue it without as much kin stability.

What is adequate childcare when your only frame of reference is the safety, security, love of family and life-long friends?

Complexity

2011-10-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

I had lunch with a friend today and I told her about my love for blog reading and blogging. She asked what my blog was about and it occurred to me I didn't know exactly what its about. It's not a journal in the daily account of my life way, but its not strictly political, religious, or mommy driven either.

Well what is it then? It's consistently personal. My silent reflections in a loud world. I want to remember why I write, even when I feel like no one hears me. So here's a throwback post for you and for me.

http://voicingme.blogspot.com/2010/12/coloring-outside-lines.html

I write to reflect, to express, to inspire, to connect to myself and to others, and hopefully this blog accomplishes that goal.

Question?

2011-10-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

Which is more perplexing, engaging in formal modes of man sharing (e.g. being a "sister wife" in a polygamous family) or engaging in informal modes of man sharing (e.g. have a boyfriend/partner/"baby daddy"/ etc. that one shares with one or more other women)?

I had a conversation once with Dr. Redd, the director of the Women's Center at NU about man sharing. She was particularly concerned about the experiences of young Black women on college campuses who typically outnumber Black male students by 2 (sometimes 3) to one. Her experience with young women who thought sharing a man was better than no man at all during a life stage that is biologically geared toward establishing intimate relationships always stayed with me.

That conversation and tv shows like Big Love and the new TLC reality show Sister Wives make me wonder, which do I find more problematic.

That last statement sounded a little judgmental and I don't mean it to. Many religions and cultures practice plural marriage, from traditional African religions (including, but not limited to Islam) to modern day fundamental Mormons, many people choose to be members of polygamous families. I don't believe anyone should be forced into that lifestyle, but I don't believe it should be illegal. I also recognize that life is complicated and every couple, young or old may not be in the position - emotionally, financially, or psychologically - to marry. Both of those asides, aside my personal perspective is that a marriage between two people is the best atmosphere to raise a family in, but I was raised in a Black Christian family in the Midwest, and had I been raised in a different cultural context, I might very well hold different beliefs.

The primary reason I disagree with plural marriage as its carried out in most societies is that it doesn't go both ways. It's built on the same philosophy that I find difficult to accept in Christian marriages of all sorts, mainly that men are to rule and women are to submit, mind you my acceptance is not necessary for this to be "true". Many of the major Biblical characters had multiple wives, there's no where in the Bible to my knowledge where it says only have one wife OR one husband.

I disagree with informal man sharing on the other hand because of the lack of stability. When its sharing a married man, there's obvious immorality, if he wanted to marry you, he would get a divorce and do so. When its sharing an unmarried man, its the lack of formal responsibility and obligation that bothers me. Relationships are hard work and kids are forever. If you never have to move beyond the honeymoon phase with any partner then I think you miss out on growth and your children miss out on witnessing what its like to be in a partnership. At least in plural marriages you theoretically have a formal agreement to attempt balance, love, faithfulness among a finite group of people.

I want to think more on the question, but for my handful of readers, I ask, what do you think?

Smiles

2011-10-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

"Aww mommy not another photo"

God IS Good

2011-10-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

As I'm sitting in church sometimes, I think:
"well that's one way to interpret it"

Certain things I have a hard time with. For instance, I'm going to need God, Godself to come and tell me why a y chromosome qualifies men to rule over women in the home, church, or elsewhere. But that's a subject for another day I suppose.

THIS Sunday, I sat in the pews and I felt like I got what our pastor was saying. She said its not in God's character to be good. God IS good.

Every smile on my daughter's face, every cool breeze on a hot day, every person in my life who loves and supports me, every good thing I know or experience is not only because of God, but IS God.

I'm working my way through the gospels now, trying to truly know God's word before I go around questioning it. There are certain writers that I know it will be hard for me to read (*angry fist wave at Paul*), but I'm trying. Even in my doubt, I suppose what pushes me forward is the part of me that knows God IS good, in the face of famine, war, hardship, and sadness, God is still and will ever remain the good that somehow reaches us, even in our darkest hour.

Relatedly, every act of goodness and kindness we do, is a reflection of God's presence in us, what better a way to let God's light shine through us, than by doing as much good as we can?

Like Good Air to Breathe

2011-10-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

My husband and I watched Sounder for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Nathan Lee, the father character had a line that I really liked. He said:

"This school is something you need, something that's good for you, like... good air to breathe."

Education is that serious, that important, that essential I thought. While I'm sure there is much more for me to learn from Paulo Freire, I really like his perspective on how education can be used to liberate (or bind) the oppressed.

As I reflect on how I've been involved in the education of others I wonder whether I was a liberating or binding force. Ultimately I suspect the answer is a little bit of both, hopefully tilting at least ever so slightly to the liberating side. My intention was certainly to be a positive helpful force in the lives of my students and colleagues, but life is more complicated than theory leaves room for sometimes, our imperfections and lack have consequences.

I write this with a cold, so its hard to take in a good breath of air. I imagine, this feeling is similar to the experience of those who've never had access to quality education. Regardless of whether there is an abundance of opportunities to learn in the United States (or Canada), if you don't have access to it, and can't fully appreciate it, then you might not think its all that special...

Hopefully I'll get another chance. A chance to do better, be better, for students, their parents, my community. As Nathan Lee also put it:

"Education is a tool to help your people." and I take that responsibility seriously.

I heard...

2011-10-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

While we were traveling a couple of months ago I heard the singer Adele's song Someone Like You for the first time. It's a heartache song about a love lost. The remarkable aspect of the song is how it speaks to a feeling of vulnerability and hurt that I think many people feel after a break up.

I have no idea what the actual relationship that inspired the song was like. I found it hilarious that the guy who broke her heart suggested that he should get credit/royalties for "inspiring" her album. At any rate after finding out that she wrote the song as a 20 year old (or something like that), it all started to make more sense to me.

I hear the song and I think of the 22 year old me who was feeling that way, and I wish I could tell her, don't fret. There is a partner, a husband, a life so much better than you could ever imagine waiting for you. Now all I need to find is the song that speaks to the "who knew life could be this good" feeling.

Sisterhood

2011-09-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

As I've tried to figure out how I'll balance my desire to be involved in the community with my desire to stay at home with my babes until she starts school, it's occurred to me more and more how important sisterhood is in raising children. I am privileged enough to have a loving, supportive partner who shares life and parenting with me, but sisterhood still has its place, a place that my husband can't occupy, a space that is constructed by the very essence of what it means to mother.

My women friends whether mothers or not, whether married or not, whether working or not, all help make my path less lonely and less difficult. It's hard to describe what its like to be a woman. I am aware that gender identity, like race is socially constructed in many ways, but that doesn't make it less real. That fact does not render the strength that comes from engaging in sisterhood void.

I've decided to try to be better at sisterhood. To do my part to support the women I know, especially the mothers, because I know that without the women in my life, I'd be lost.

Challenges

2011-09-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and I challenged ourselves to not eat fast food for 21 days. Our primary motivation was health reasons, but in these 21 days I think I've gained a lot more from the challenge than I had initially thought I would. Below is a picture of a meal I made, one night that I really, and I do mean REALLY wanted to order a pizza and call it a day.

Mexican Millet and Sauteed Veggies w/tomato on the side!

Cooking is not one of my favorite activities. My husband never cooks, and it quite honestly intimidates me to think that I'll have the responsibility of feeding us for the next fifty, sixty, however many years. The internet is helpful, I got the recipe from here.

It has been empowering to not rely on overprocessed foods from who knows where. The summer means an abundance of local vegetables, and staples can be bought in bulk and stored for long periods of time resulting in what turned out to be a fantastic dinner.

I think my next challenge will be a bit shorter. I'll start with 10 days of no processed food. Wish me luck!

Operating in Truth

2011-09-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

Sometime close to when my husband and I first started dating, we instituted the honesty movement. It was basically an attempt to avoid even polite lies. No longer were we to hide our opinions about things (if asked), no longer were we to mask our intentions or tell lies of any sort. It was a fun, but sometimes hard challenge for a new couple. Over time a formal honesty movement subsided and became a "remember way back when" story for a couple of six years and counting.

From time to time I think about that movement. I consider reinstituting it with everyone I know. What seems hard is finding the balance between the desire to share my thoughts and opinions about things with the rights of everyone else to not be subject to my every fleeting thought or emotion. Just because something is true, doesn't mean it must be shared, right? Our previous movement was an understanding, that both of us entered into valuing honesty above politeness (and other things).

Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what I want to say here because I feel mediated by that conflict. Will anyone even hear what I have to say if my truth doesn't fit their values or worldview. Do people care to hear my truth?

Plainly said, I have a blog because I want to be heard. My intention is always to be honest, and I've written and re-written posts to that end. Sometimes I've edited myself though, and my goal is to stop doing that. I am as complex as God made me and that should be reflected here.

I updated my blog with a new blogger look, and I plan to blog now (more frequently) with a new attitude, one that is more honest and unafraid.

Worth It

2011-07-20T21:00:00.001-07:00

It's easy to understand working one job, even two to support my family as important and worthwhile. If I were in that position, and someone asked me if my child was worth all of the trouble, I imagine I'd give a resounding YES. My world was reoriented a little while ago though by a slightly different version of that question. As I talked with my husband about some of my anxieties about not working, he asked is my daughter worth it.

What an amazing question. It spoke to my fundamental understanding of what it means to be a mother. My mother HAD to work one, two, sometimes three jobs to support us. She emphasized education, so that we could take care of ourselves and our families when the time came. My understanding of what it means to be a mother means working as hard and as often as you have to in order to support your family. She would have done anything for my sister and I. Now I find myself asking, am I willing to do ANYTHING for my child. Am I willing to not earn an income, to suppress my achievement oriented personality, to press pause on my career plan/aspirations for my sweet baby girl?

I'm not sure how healthy a self-suppressing motherhood can be, but I am sure that being a parent is about taking on the responsibility of raising a child the best way you can.

So I say YES she is worth it, and I try to figure out how to make that decision work for her and me.

Discipline

2011-07-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to be more disciplined, to stop "trying" to do better and to just do better. To do what I say I'm going to do. I also decided that process starts with a prayer, with asking God to help me do those things, to remind me when I forget why I've decided to change in the first place.

Developing discipline is no easy challenge for me. I am still thinking about the chocolate peanut-butter milkshake I turned down earlier today, but I have faith that it will get easier.

Imperfect Me

2011-05-27T17:45:00.001-07:00

Most of the food my baby gets is baby formula. Despite two different types of medication, fenugreek and blessed thistle (two herbs), my family doctor, a breastfeeding specialist, two public health nurses, an acupunctorist, and pumping, I still can't exclusively breastfeed my baby. I don't even get close in fact. Breast is best and my best isn't good enough... or so I told myself for a while.

Despite what feels like a monumental failure of epic proportions, my baby is still growing. She is still happy and healthy. I still offer her what little I have and she gets what she can. I've decided that this may be a life lesson, an opportunity for me to grow. The chance to understand that I may not be able to give her the best of everything, but she'll still be ok. The opportunity to learn how to persevere as a mother despite my imperfections. Something altogether different? I don't know.

My girl is a happy healthy human being and I couldn't ask for more

Time for Tina

2011-05-19T20:36:00.001-07:00

Reflections

2011-05-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

I took this picture on a trip to Lake Geneva with my husband. I was having a hard time finding the words I wanted to share today, so I chose a picture instead.

Sometimes I feel distracted by the reflections I see of myself. The real life version of me is three dimensional, full of complexity and nuance. Yet I get caught up in what I think I see reflected back to me when I take hurried assessments of me. I remain so much more than what I perceive as reflections of myself (e.g. the state of our cluttered apartment).

Regaining Courage

2011-05-14T21:29:00.001-07:00

A friend mentioned to me a piece of wisdom that her mother shared with her and now I'll pass it on....

Over the course of motherhood you have to get your courage back. That sentiment has been especially important to me as I've struggled through the first couple of months of motherhood. Worrying all the time, feeling guilty and inadequate. In many ways, each day is about regaining my courage to face the world as the competent, capable person I thought myself to be (before the test of motherhood).

A second gem came through a story:

A woman with four or five kids playing in a park sat peacefully and calmly on a bench. When questioned about her serene state in the midst of minding after her children, she said: "I used to worry all the time, and then one day I met God."

My friend took from this story we do the best we can and then we let God do the rest. Wow, why didn't I get that having known God for a while now? I think I'm finally starting to get it now.

Girl-Child

2011-05-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am ever-grateful for my sweet baby girl.

On Mother's Day a friend wrote about how grateful he was for his mother who raised a family, worked full-time, and still maintained a sense of self. His words were "and still made space for her own individuality".

I hope that one day my child feels the same. Sometimes I'm so afraid to fail my child as a mother. She is the most beautiful, precious person I know, and I want her to grow up to be the self-confident, brilliant young woman I know she can be.

It's strange how "traditional" ideals of what a woman should be manifest themselves in my proudly feminist life. I at once couldn't imagine handing over the care of my most precious gift to someone else, so that I might go work. On the other hand I long to contribute my thoughts and ideas to the world through work. I'm unsure how this dichotomy will resolve itself in the future, but I am hopeful that it will be resolved through thought and prayer.

The Power of the Universe Knows My Name

2011-01-14T23:02:00.000-08:00

"My God calls to me in the morning dew/
The Power of the Universe knows my name/
Gave me a song to sing and sent me on my way/
I raise my voice for justice, I believe "
I remember, I believe
Sweet Honey in the Rock

It's hard to believe. I love the song "I remember, I believe" because it gives examples of why we might believe. We believe because we remember where we came from,
because sometimes despite a lack of technical understanding of something we witness it happening, so we must believe, because we are evidence of the belief, because the power of the universe knows each and every one of our names.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that belief isn't as hard as it sometimes seems.

Booties for my baby!

2011-01-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

I can now knit scarves AND booties. Now all I have to learn how to do is crochet a blanket for our little guy or gal in the next week and a half :-P

Resolutions

2011-01-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

To remember that everyday is a gift.
To live life in the moment, appreciative of what I have now:
Reflective of how I am using my time,
Thankful for the many blessings I have,
Unafraid of mistakes.

Coloring Outside the Lines

2010-12-28T02:00:00.001-08:00

Maybe its because I'm an oldest child, coming from a long line of oldest children (or oldest girl children at the very least), but its hard for me to color outside the lines. My sister pulled out a coloring book and crayons and as I sat trying to color in a picture, I neatly traced the outline of the figures, then carefully colored in the various pictures/shapes/etc. At some point, I thought to myself, why do I feel the need to trace the figure before I color it in, why don't I just color and see where it takes me. I dared myself to color outside the lines, but I couldn't do it. I literally couldn't color outside of the lines in a coloring book, which raises many questions for me about how I can or can't color outside of the lines in a more figurative sense.

As is natural I'm sure, with about two and a half weeks left until our baby is due, questions about motherhood swirl in my brain constantly. At the same time, questions of when and how to pursue a Ph.D. also swirls. I wonder if I want to pursue that degree for the sole purpose of coloring within the lines of some predefined definition of who I am, or if its something I really want. I'm unclear. If its a definition that I've imposed upon myself, can't I just redefine? If its deeper than that, how do I figure out what the root cause is?

Revolutionaries don't color inside the lines. People who actually make a difference, impact other people's lives don't do so by coloring within the lines. Does that mean that I'll have a hard time being consequential? I suppose that's maybe what it all boils down to....

As I finish this post the wind is swirling outside my window, its still dark, early in the morning. The wind doesn't try to be consequential, but is nevertheless. I suppose a fear is that some people are born with the gifts to make a difference, and some other people, no matter how hard they try, aren't.

To be young, gifted, and Black:

2010-12-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

I sit with a swollen belly, before a mountain of housework and I wonder what it means to be young, gifted, woman, and Black.

I contemplate the greatness of motherhood in the shadow of a job I don’t have, and degrees that currently only keep my dusty resume warm at night.

I wonder, if I’ll one day be ready to let the little boy or girl in my womb go to daycare, so that I may resume my quest to be identified as one of the young, gifted, and Black.

Ancestry

2010-08-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to jump back into ancestry research recently. It's hard to look into some things since my big binder of info hasn't made it's to Halifax yet, but it has me in the mood to plan a family reunion.

People pass away, but there are always new people born and a neverending cycle of more and more family members to love and support.

I think as I get older, it occurs to me more and more how important not only the old people are, but the young people as well.

A Sight

2010-08-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

....from the honeymoon 1 year ago.

And the earth stood still

2010-06-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

It seems strange to me at times how often I have to remind myself to be kind to me. Not being perfect does not disqualify me from being a decent human being. My mistakes also don't erase the good I've tried to do in the world.

The earth won't stop moving. Every decision I make is intertwined with the ones before and ultimately the ones to come. Every couple of months I also have to remind myself to stay positive, driven, and focused.

It occurred to me only recently how big a flaw being afraid to fail is. Having never felt worthy of my ambitions, its much easier to give myself credit for the things I do/did poorly, as opposed to the things I do/did well.

I don't really have a closing for this post, and that's ok today.

Friends

2010-02-23T04:52:00.000-08:00

I used to talk to my friends. I used to see them, hang out with them. In our current culture it seems like community is in short supply. That makes me a little sad.

p.s. I know that I have the ability to change this, it just feels as if there isn't enough time. And connections like facebook and emails satisfy an instinctive need to connect without actually connecting on a personal level.

Ambitions

2010-02-21T03:52:00.000-08:00

I remember when I had ambitions. I remember when I actually thought through hard work and collaboration I could be part of changing the world. Now I feel as if I have lost that.

What I first thought to say in one of the sentences above was "...through hard work and collaboration I could change the world" (omitting the "being a part of changing the world" portion). For good or for bad I am in the process of accepting my need for personal achievement (and recognition). I know that one can't change the world by her or himself, but different people are motivated by different things.

I think that the only reason I even consider the implications of my personal ambitions (even privately or publicly in this instance) is because of who I am as a Black woman raised in a working class neighborhood, attending a Missionary Baptist Church. Ultimately what I think it boils down to is power.

Do I deserve power?

What does it mean for a poor person, a Black person, a woman, a Christian to have power?

Can you change the world without power?

Is there such a thing as collective power, and how is it exercised?

I honestly feel like I've wasted so much time at my current job, disempowering myself because I'm not perfect. How in the world does one grow up in America, work in the field of education, (at a Charter school no less), after having attended a university that consistently maintains a Black enrollment rate of around 5% feel bad about not being perfect. This country and these systems or institutions move forward regardless. They extol their greatness, barely acknowledge their shortcomings, and keep moving forward as if they are the greatest thing since indoor plumbing.

I've decided to live less afraid, to be reflective of my shortcomings, but not paralyzed by them.

Values

2010-01-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

Finding my voice is hard sometimes. Whether silenced by culture, community, or self, I lose the gift of bearing witness to my life as it is at this moment from time to time. Only through the uncomfortable practice of confessing my thoughts, dreams, fears, and scars to others do I relearn and regain my ability to exercise my voice. Today I further that practice by committing to sharing my thoughts again through blogging, even if the loud world doesn't hear these silent reflections.

Values....

I value love (the love of my husband, the love of my family, the love of God, the love of friends, the love of people who show kindness, whom I'll never really know)

I value marriage and what marriage teaches you about being a better human being

I value education and the door it should open to the world

I value the Bible and other sacred texts that connect us to God

I value life, my own, that of those I love, and that of those I don't know and will never meet

I value perspective and the richness diversity adds to our lives

I value faith and doubt, and the life events and people that make us question both

And lastly I value diaries/journals/blogs because we all have something to say.