So yeah...this

It's been a challenging week.

I'm not always sure about my parenting abilities.  There I said it.  I am a full-time homemaker and sometimes I feel like I suck at my job.  I yell too much and housework is almost never the priority.

All that being said, the following link made me smile and feel just a little less alone.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-fader/threeyearolds-are-asshole_b_4784416.html

Slow

And rather than hurried and scared

Spooked by shadows and ghouls alike

I choose to walk slowly.

Running my fingertips along a line of bricks

In a wall

Erected to honour that which I may never fully know.

Feeling for clues along smooth dips and abrasive surfaces

Hoping the texture will reveal truths

Only visible in the brilliant rays of self-love.

Thirst

And the only plant that seems to have survived more than a very short season in our house is an aloe vera plant.  It's not been a whole year, but I'm hoping we can make it last.  I find myself internally extolling the benefits of house plants: purer air, the fact that they are symbols of growth and life.  Yet, they almost always go neglected.  Mid-way up the stairs on the way to bed I say to myself, first thing in the morning I'll water the plant and then days past before what seems like a ritual starts again as I glance up at some point during the day at the browning edges of the plant I intend to water.

A friend gave me some insight as to why the aloe vera plant may have a chance, why it might actually survive for longer than a couple months.  No wilting and dying, but thriving in the floods and droughts that characterize my plant tending habits.

Some plants it turns out are designed for just that.  So I am counting on the plump water filled leaves of my aloe vera plant to help me.  Help me adapt to its needs, maybe even develop a consistent care routine that I can stick to.

I imagined I'd tie those thoughts into some larger conversation about floods and droughts and thirst, but I am at a loss.  So I guess I'll await the next flood of thoughts or emotions that tumble out in a new poem or post, and just admire the dust until then.

Valentines

Wintery Days

Running noses.
Exasperated whines.
Fussing, fussing, fussing.
Wits ends.
Coughs to the face.
Minutes thousands of years long.
Dinners unstarted.
Messes uncleaned
Tired mothers half-asleep,
Drumming up the internal fortitude
To survive wintery
Don't want to go outside days.

Not By Accident

And so sometimes it takes effort to remember that I am not me by accident.  Though I make mistakes, forget things, choose unwise paths sometimes, my life is still pretty amazing.  And from time to time I find myself wondering, and what if this had been different, what if I had been different.  But I think in some ways that wondering leads me back to the same place.

I am not me by accident and who I am in the future will be a related directly to who I choose to be now.  So here's to trying to make good decisions, practicing love and forgiveness, and endeavoring to be the woman I'd like to be now, always.

Savoring

Savoring
Every thought,
Every memory.
Every flight of imagination.

Tasting the salty
And sweet.

Lingering.
Listening to the whispers,
barely audible that say more.

Disregarding any siren that cautions
Stop.
Savoring slowly,
That which nature intended to
please.

Imperfect

And it occurs to me that each morning I rise with the unstated expectation of being perfect.
Not said in plain words "Today I will be perfect!"
Instead implied in commitments to not make mistakes.
Undertones in the shades of green, ruby, and gold.
Admonishments for being too envious, angry, or opulent.

My mind is cloudy before sleep.
And upon the first falter each day, the failures beam in indignation.
Blinding all that is good,
Spotlighting much of what is bad, nay imperfect.
And I tell myself,
"There is no perfect",
Yet I meet each mistake in shame.

Still each day presents a new opportunity.
A chance to get it right,
To all but delight in failure.
To welcome wrong positions and
and the pressing forward through those faults
To the signifier present all along:

HUMAN.

What do you see?

Unstoppable

Sometimes I feel unstoppable.
Bound by no one.
At others as fragile as the thinnest layer of ice.
Like an almost frozen ice cube,
Ready to collapse at the smallest bit of pressure.
Sending my insides gushing out.

An ideas woman with no platform,
I wonder.
How to be fearless.
How to chart a productive path
Through dense self-doubt.

What good is a brilliant mind
When trapped in a vortex,
Continuously swirling amid
Self indictment.

I'm learning to give myself a break.
It's not a lesson I'm unaware I need to learn.
....but
Who will stand at the gate and let me know
If I've gone too far,
If I've forsaken too much,
If I've let slowly fall away those I cherish most.

Unwise questions to hinge self-care on I'm sure.
An unbefitting attitude made sensible only in the uncharitable
 Reading of self, I find my ambition struggling to escape.

Heart's Desire

Today was my birthday.  I left a very eventful 31st year behind me.  My life is much different than it was a year ago.  I had many reflections that fell like vegetables into the simmering broth of a good stew, swirling round and round as I contemplated how to get the flavour just right, the depth full and satisfying.

Here's what I arrived at:

My life is full of love.  My goal for forever more is to not forget that, to never let any personal or professional failure hide that from me.  I had been feeling a bit down a while ago and asked family and friends "if you had to describe me to someone, what would you say?"  The responses were what I needed, a reminder that the people who love me think more on the things that are great about me than on the things that are not so great, or at the very least they love me enough to help me remember who I endeavour to be even if I am not always her.  My mother in particular helped me remember that I can be fearless and a fighter.

Good friends are worth their weight in gold.  I am so blessed to have a network of friends old and new, near and far.  I like to be self-efficient, but the truth is I need the varying perspectives and personal traits of all my friends.  Sometimes I'm not as great at nurturing those relationships as I'd like to be. Trust is sacred and good communication skills take practice.  So to all my friends who read this, THANK YOU for your love.

Truth is powerful.  I'm loved.  I have great family, great friends, and great expectations for the year to come.

Fool for You

So I'm not sure how many of you have seen Alice Smith's performance of "Fool for You".  
(Click the picture and you can watch the performance in a new window.  I couldn't figure out how to make it not autoplay, so I just linked the picture - it will load automatically when you click the link.  Make sure you come back after you watch it though to finish the post).

It is fantastic, a cover of a Cee Lo song, and I like both, but feel like the song means different things coming from a woman.  

You can find the lyrics here.  I needed to look at the words to fully understand since I wasn't familiar with the song before hearing her version.

A couple of thoughts:
"Cant nobody tell me nothing, I said it is what it is"
1) This performance to me engenders a grown sexuality.  Without being half clothed or gyrating across the stage in theoretical celebration of women's bodies, the performance conjures up the deepness of good sex.  Though the song is about much more than sex, the beats, the words, the artists insertion of self (facial expressions, dance movements) all point towards the personal, transformative experience that characterizes good sex... and the type of connection the song describes.    

"Any mistake you make, I just might forgive."
2) I had never heard of Alice Smith before that performance.  She showed up and she owned the stage that night.  I can't stomach most awards shows (and similar events), but this left me feeling grateful for all the creativity and hard work of everyone from back up signers and light techs to camera people, the all female band, and of course Alice Smith herself who made it possible.  They all excelled.

"Sweet sugar, I surrender.  I don't want no other man.  Baby you win."
3) As a girl I was taught to be guarded when it came to sex.  Convinced while I might be looking for a companion, the boys/young men around me would just be looking for sex.  This guardedness over time makes it hard to surrender and sometimes I admit that's exactly what I need to do, just surrender to love, my own desires, and the ease of a relationship so good.....grown (and tended) is the only way to describe it.