New Look

Hope you like it.  Felt like a change.  If its hideous, let me know.

Guilt

The paralysis sets in,
The distractions roar.
The next thing goes undone.

One child runs circles around
the other who sits eating a toy
likely not approved for chewing.

A list of things personal,
professional,
pressing
sits undone.

Why can't I focus.
Why don't I feel exceptional today....or many others?
What does self-care look like?

Fragile

Eyes just closed.
Sweet words gently coaxing sleep.
Breath bated,
sleepy latch released.

CRASH,
BANG,
JUMP,
Mission aborted.

Toddler is as toddler does.
Baby revived.
Fragile silence broken.

---

Playful teasing turned
mean,
accidental alienation.

DEFENSE.
SHOUT.
DISMISS.
Attach armour prepare for battle.

Attack, defend, cower.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Re.....
Fragile hearts.

---

A look.
A smile.
A sexy sartorial selection.

A glance at a whining infant.
Clock hands not quite at bed time.
Dirty dishes, dirty laundry,
"Dirty" thoughts?

 Regular.
Isn't that one of the perks of marriage?
Regular.
You remember when neither friend nor foe stood in the way.

A fragile mood,
Hinged on fragile hearts connecting
In the extended fragile silence late night
Eventually brings.

Morning

Brilliant rays sparking gentle waves
Of endorphins.
Light gentle bumps to the backs of my yes.
A deep breath in,
a deep breath out.
A pause.

Wiggly giggles and contagious smiles.
Mostly eaten apples and almost eaten toys.
A silent yawn.

An exclamation, from a newly mobile baby.
Ahh!
Translation: "On guard" or the errant bead is mine.

Morning

Missing Words

Couldn't quite find the words,
they got lost somewhere.
If I find them I'll post them.
My fair share.

A picture instead.  Photos of me and my sweeties from last December.

Night into Morning

Bedtime stories are read.
A sweet baby nursed, and nestled in bed.
Such is the sweetness of life,

For I know this time will soon enough disappear,
Though I rush it now hurriedly along,
Because sleep is precious too, right?

And when the morning comes,
Praying that the morning comes.
I'll be grateful again.

Pages

And sometimes pages are turned.
Sometimes dawn brings with it new mercies.
Sometimes when we reach up there is a hand there willing to help us heave ourselves onto the next plateau.

I'm grateful for snowstorms.  For some reason shovelling snow encourages me in a deep indescribably way.

There is productivity.
There is despair then triumph.
There is me and movement.

Sharing is Scary Sometimes...

Question: 

Is it really better for my children for me to be home with them until they start school, if I would prefer to be working?

Answers:

Yes, it's better.  How can you even consider outsourcing your most important job for most of your children's waking hours?

No, of course not, the longer you are out of the work force the greater the impact on your short and long-term financial stability, not to mention your confidence.

Yes, it's better.  Your children are only this young and precious for such a short amount of time.  Before you know it they will be grown, living half-way around the world, and you'll long for these days when you can take the opportunity to grow and nurture each other.

No, of course not, you're so unhappy being home, change is needed or you'll just grow more and more resentful and be less and less equipped to enjoy the time you share with your kids.

Yes, its' better.  Though they won't remember this, your children will miss you in the present and you will miss them, each day you have to leave to go to work.

No, of course not, any guilt you feel about leaving your children is grounded in anti-woman garbage you should have discarded of long ago.  Your partner works and you don't begrudge his desire to do so in any way shape or form.

--

My mom worked and I turned out just fine, but we also lived in a city with a large extended family.  Family affords the privilege of blurring boundaries to a certain extent, as it relates to childcare.  

....One question, so many answers, so many thoughts to flush out.

Important versus Unimportant

I spend a lot of time in my head.  Just now I was thinking about whether I should post more than one thing in a day, because that's not good blogging protocol.  You don't want to post everything at once right?  Because there will eventually be a moment when you can't or don't want to write something new.

...back to being in my head.  I think I get to a point sometimes when I've reached my capacity for acting in the way that is most responsible, especially to other folks.  I get lost in my head and waste away hours I should be using to do other things.  That's not particularly fair to my husband, children, friends, etc., but its a cycle I find myself repeating.

What I should be doing takes up so much room in my mind that I flee instead of fighting.  It feels and is experienced as selfish, but its my truth in the moment.

My goal is to be authentically me, the challenge is to be true to my desires without rejecting all obligations to others.  The trouble is so much of the time it feels as if I'm not a good enough mother, wife, entrepreneur, community member, sister, friend, daughter, etc. that when I'm actually not doing well at those jobs I find it hard to see where the tipping point was.

Specifically which obligations are important and which only seem as such?

A Younger Me

I was reading through an old blog I had right around the time I graduated from university.  It would be interesting to go back and have a conversation with that young woman.  I find her words and recollections endlessly interesting now, strangely enough I feel sort of detached from her.

Not because I don't find myself experiencing similar emotions, fears, challenges, etc., but because at this point the myopia of youth feels distant, though I'm as sure as I sit here that I will certainly think the same about thirty as I do about 21 or 22.

Though I wasn't sure what my voice was then, I hear a much stronger woman than I recollect.  Still I cringe at much that is written.  It's hard to believe such things once graced the crowded public wall of the internet.

I wonder what I will think of this blog nearly 10 years from now.

To take it back to something that lay buried in my memory until a few short hours ago.  I'll end like I ended posts way back then.

"Still living somewhere over the rainbow"

...though now I find myself still looking over my shoulder for the happiness police for some reason.
...thinking "but for God" at the same time as "but if God why?"(all the pain and suffering?)

Wondering

And I've been feeling the urge to write, though I'm not sure exactly what I want to say. I contemplate womanhood and motherhood often. I wonder about the things that make me feel strong and the things that make me feel weak.

I wonder where my confidence went.

I wonder if material comfort pacifies me.

I wonder if I am as lazy as I feel sometimes.

I wonder much more.

And I appreciate what I hear when I hear responses, even if it is primarily my echo bouncing back.